I have decided that it is time to take better care of myself... so from now on I will be focusing more on my health.
Luckily for me, after some careful research, I realized how easy this is going to be for me. Seriously, I may end up being one of the healthiest people I know.
Apparently my massive consumption of coffee isn't going to be the death of me after all... unless I consume a lethal dose of the stuff, and that would take about 100 cups of strong coffee in succession (about 10 grams of caffeine!). So I'm pretty sure I'm safe... at least for today.
Did You Know?
Advertisements for coffee in London in 1657 claimed that the beverage was a cure for gout, scurvy & other ills.
Well, they might not have altogether wrong...
According to the Mayo Clinic: Drinking 2-4 cups of coffee daily may lower the risk of colon cancer by 25%. I don't know about you, but I'm preventing cancer every time my morning Kona kicks in! Also, it lowers the risk of gallstones by 45%, Parkinson's Disease (50-80%) & cirrhosis of the liver by 80%. It can even reduce the incidence of asthma by 25%! Now I don't feel so bad about all the alcohol I've consumed in the last few weeks. I was so worried about my liver, but now... hell... I've taken preventative measures to protect it without straying from my usual routine. How cool is that?!
Having a asthma attack? Have a cup of Kenya blend!
I think from now on, I will enlighten all of my loved ones with my little random coffee facts! It's not like I'll be getting sleep anytime soon!
I never did find out if Juan Valdez is single...
Monday, October 23, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Blood Sucking Fuckers!
There are things in life that you know, no matter how long you live, will continue to piss you off. You hate them and don't care who knows it. The list is usually pretty average and can span from the mild or mundane, like lettuce... Or the extreme or unusual like: I hate every over the top excited person who ever jumped on a couch and butt-fucked a midget! Well, in light of the past weekend, I feel the need to vent about something that I have hated since my very first year at sleep away camp at the age of 6! No, it's not Uncle Crackhead, and it's not that emotionally unavailable asshole I was crazy about... At one point I actually liked them!
This is something way more annoying, evil and downright sinister... MOSQUITOES!
Yes folks... Mosquitoes.
Now I know that no one LIKES these little blood thirsty bitches, but my hatred of them is a little beyond the average persons annoyances. The itching get so severe on me that it can wake me from sleep for a scratch attack of biblical proportions. So in honor of those blood sucking fuckers, here is my newest list:
10 WORST PLACES TO HAVE MOSQUITO BITES!
10. The Neck. For some reason every time I see a person scratching their neck a lot, it reminds me of a bum I used to pass on the subway from time to time. He smelled terrible, scratched a lot, and used to scare the hell out of me.
9. Back of the Thighs. Picture it, you're sitting down in a public place and trying to coyly lift you leg and scratch... mmm yeah.
8. Your Back. A typical itching on your back is bad enough. It's wonderful when someone is nice enough to help you out. But if you ask them to scratch your back repeatedly, don't you think at some point they will get a bit wierded out and start to question if whatever is itching you is contagious?
7. Your Ass. Is it ever nice to see someone walking around scratching their ass? Especially if the bite occurs near the crack of your ass!
6. Your Ankles. Ever try to scratch your ankles while driving or better yet, while on a treadmill? Think about it.
5. Toes. Even worse then the ankles. Last week while at a red light I actually took my sneakers and socks off just to get some relief. I had to sit outside of the gym in my car having a scratch-fest before I could start my work out. Anyone who saw me probably thinks I have athletes foot now! And it hurts, not just itches. Plus my usually cute feet & toes looked strange with that one red, puffy toe.
4. Face. Anywhere on your face is terrible, especially if you happen to be a vain, narcissistic, snob like I am. I had one on my lip once, I was more dramatically devastated than Marcia Brady getting hit in the face with a football! But I have to say, the worse place on your face to get one is:
3. Eyelid! Yes, I've had one on my eyelid. I came back from camp one year looking like I had gone a few rounds with Tyson. It was awful.
2. Boobs! I currently have 4 mosquito bites on my right tit. Those are some freaky ass bugs! The worst one I ever had was right next to my nipple. I couldn't scratch it as hard as I wanted for fear that I would cause massive damage to my poor nipple.
and the #1 worst place to get a mosquito bite is...
1. NACHA... you know, it's nacha pudenda and it's nacha ass! That's right folks, a perineum bite!! Try reaching that one with all your clothes on discreetly at work! I wish I could say I was fucking in the woods so I may have deserved such a fate. But I wasn't. I just can't sleep with underwear on and one of those BSFs was feeling a little friendly! It's like it waited for the right moment, when I would roll over and kick the covers off then prop a leg up.
I hate bugs!
This is something way more annoying, evil and downright sinister... MOSQUITOES!
Yes folks... Mosquitoes.
Now I know that no one LIKES these little blood thirsty bitches, but my hatred of them is a little beyond the average persons annoyances. The itching get so severe on me that it can wake me from sleep for a scratch attack of biblical proportions. So in honor of those blood sucking fuckers, here is my newest list:
10 WORST PLACES TO HAVE MOSQUITO BITES!
10. The Neck. For some reason every time I see a person scratching their neck a lot, it reminds me of a bum I used to pass on the subway from time to time. He smelled terrible, scratched a lot, and used to scare the hell out of me.
9. Back of the Thighs. Picture it, you're sitting down in a public place and trying to coyly lift you leg and scratch... mmm yeah.
8. Your Back. A typical itching on your back is bad enough. It's wonderful when someone is nice enough to help you out. But if you ask them to scratch your back repeatedly, don't you think at some point they will get a bit wierded out and start to question if whatever is itching you is contagious?
7. Your Ass. Is it ever nice to see someone walking around scratching their ass? Especially if the bite occurs near the crack of your ass!
6. Your Ankles. Ever try to scratch your ankles while driving or better yet, while on a treadmill? Think about it.
5. Toes. Even worse then the ankles. Last week while at a red light I actually took my sneakers and socks off just to get some relief. I had to sit outside of the gym in my car having a scratch-fest before I could start my work out. Anyone who saw me probably thinks I have athletes foot now! And it hurts, not just itches. Plus my usually cute feet & toes looked strange with that one red, puffy toe.
4. Face. Anywhere on your face is terrible, especially if you happen to be a vain, narcissistic, snob like I am. I had one on my lip once, I was more dramatically devastated than Marcia Brady getting hit in the face with a football! But I have to say, the worse place on your face to get one is:
3. Eyelid! Yes, I've had one on my eyelid. I came back from camp one year looking like I had gone a few rounds with Tyson. It was awful.
2. Boobs! I currently have 4 mosquito bites on my right tit. Those are some freaky ass bugs! The worst one I ever had was right next to my nipple. I couldn't scratch it as hard as I wanted for fear that I would cause massive damage to my poor nipple.
and the #1 worst place to get a mosquito bite is...
1. NACHA... you know, it's nacha pudenda and it's nacha ass! That's right folks, a perineum bite!! Try reaching that one with all your clothes on discreetly at work! I wish I could say I was fucking in the woods so I may have deserved such a fate. But I wasn't. I just can't sleep with underwear on and one of those BSFs was feeling a little friendly! It's like it waited for the right moment, when I would roll over and kick the covers off then prop a leg up.
I hate bugs!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
The Baking Bitch!
Sorry for the domestic post guys… I’ll get back to the sexy stuff next week!
I, CaffeineDiva, am a Baking Bitch. I didn't give myself the title, but for now, I am claiming it. Let me explain. A few years ago I worked with a very cool guy who I became friends with and we use to joke around that if he ever came into a lot of money he was going to open a clothing store for big guys called "250+" and right next door he would open a bakery for me called the "The Baking Bitch" because, as he put it, "That bitch can bake! Seriously, that is one bakin’bitch!"
Well, years later I have a new group of friends that come to expect baked goods for birthdays or holiday festivities. Usually I don’t mind being Aunt Jemima for a day or two, but I have now realized that people are never satisfied.
This became apparent last week. See my brother came home after a long time away. (You know… “Away”). And before he came home he requested my “famous” Chocolate Rum Cake that I usually make once a year around the Christmas holiday. But since he was gone for Christmas (and his birthday), I was more than happy to oblige him.
I had been on a baking hiatus of sorts due to my lack of will power & trying to live a more healthy life. My Dr. informed me that my baking practices and diabetes weren’t a good combination, so I retired my trusty baking utensils and set off on a bake-less year. Now my brother is home and in the past week, I have made 2 cakes and 2 pans of baked macaroni & cheese. You may be thinking, what’s the problem? Well here is where I start my famous venting.
I now have random folks (in and out of the family) putting in requests for baked delights. Seriously, folks that I have only met once or twice are asking for all kinds of stuff! A friend of his remembers some cookies that I made 2 years ago, and wants me to make them again. Come on, it’s been 2 years, get over it! It’s not like he hasn’t had my number the whole time my brother has been away and couldn’t have called and asked then. He may have had a better chance of me saying yes… not this year, but last year I would have.
Then, some chick that I just met last week (once) asked for 2 different cakes, one for her and one for her “baby”. How ‘bout this, I’ll give you the recipe and you bake a cake for your man! What’s next, am I gonna have to fuck your man for you too! When I bake for people it’s a loving thing, so I have to care for them. Hell, the cookie request is for something I actually call Love Cookies! So they don’t get made for just anyone! The last request was to remake one of the cakes I had made that week. The problem with that is that the cake that I made was an accident that came out tasty. I can’t repeat that shit!
So here’s my solution. I'll just start giving out recipes and various baking secrets to anyone who asks. It’s not like I’m opening a business! I can only bake when the mood strikes me.
Frankly, if my man came home raving about some chick that could bake me out of house and home, I’d be a little upset. This means he would be fat trying everything I could make until he raved about me again! But that’s just my competitive need to win and be the best chick ever!
I, CaffeineDiva, am a Baking Bitch. I didn't give myself the title, but for now, I am claiming it. Let me explain. A few years ago I worked with a very cool guy who I became friends with and we use to joke around that if he ever came into a lot of money he was going to open a clothing store for big guys called "250+" and right next door he would open a bakery for me called the "The Baking Bitch" because, as he put it, "That bitch can bake! Seriously, that is one bakin’bitch!"
Well, years later I have a new group of friends that come to expect baked goods for birthdays or holiday festivities. Usually I don’t mind being Aunt Jemima for a day or two, but I have now realized that people are never satisfied.
This became apparent last week. See my brother came home after a long time away. (You know… “Away”). And before he came home he requested my “famous” Chocolate Rum Cake that I usually make once a year around the Christmas holiday. But since he was gone for Christmas (and his birthday), I was more than happy to oblige him.
I had been on a baking hiatus of sorts due to my lack of will power & trying to live a more healthy life. My Dr. informed me that my baking practices and diabetes weren’t a good combination, so I retired my trusty baking utensils and set off on a bake-less year. Now my brother is home and in the past week, I have made 2 cakes and 2 pans of baked macaroni & cheese. You may be thinking, what’s the problem? Well here is where I start my famous venting.
I now have random folks (in and out of the family) putting in requests for baked delights. Seriously, folks that I have only met once or twice are asking for all kinds of stuff! A friend of his remembers some cookies that I made 2 years ago, and wants me to make them again. Come on, it’s been 2 years, get over it! It’s not like he hasn’t had my number the whole time my brother has been away and couldn’t have called and asked then. He may have had a better chance of me saying yes… not this year, but last year I would have.
Then, some chick that I just met last week (once) asked for 2 different cakes, one for her and one for her “baby”. How ‘bout this, I’ll give you the recipe and you bake a cake for your man! What’s next, am I gonna have to fuck your man for you too! When I bake for people it’s a loving thing, so I have to care for them. Hell, the cookie request is for something I actually call Love Cookies! So they don’t get made for just anyone! The last request was to remake one of the cakes I had made that week. The problem with that is that the cake that I made was an accident that came out tasty. I can’t repeat that shit!
So here’s my solution. I'll just start giving out recipes and various baking secrets to anyone who asks. It’s not like I’m opening a business! I can only bake when the mood strikes me.
Frankly, if my man came home raving about some chick that could bake me out of house and home, I’d be a little upset. This means he would be fat trying everything I could make until he raved about me again! But that’s just my competitive need to win and be the best chick ever!
Friday, September 01, 2006
In My Own Little World... A Warning
I am a goddess... to a select group of people. To some folks, I am the craziest bitch that has ever walked the face of the earth. Then there are others that are constantly confused by my interesting mixture of psychotic charm, maternal warmth, and manic flirtations. Yes, it sounds strange, but in my own little world... I rule! To my goddaughter, I am a fairy godmother. To my mother, I am a shameful waste of potential and a constant disappointment. To my co-workers, I am an unpredictable blend of irritated snob and dancing queen. And to my friends, well, I am just plan fun to watch. (More fun with tequila!) One of my friends consistently gives me the best compliments ever... I am breathtaking! And if men came equipped with her eyes, I'd never long for a date. To most of my ex-boyfriends, fuck buddies, and friends with benefits, I am orally gifted, emotionally damaged, and brutally honest. But no matter what, if they need me, I will usually have their back. Because even though I may talk shit about them, no other chick is allowed to!
So this post goes out to my future life partner. I won't say husband, because I honestly don't think I will ever get married. I'll be like Goldie Hawn, Susan Sarandon... my mother! My mom has been with the same man for 20 years, and she has no intention of marrying him. But back to the subject at hand.
To my future life partner:
I am many things to many people. And during various stages of our life together you may have to deal with both the positive and negative aspects of my personality and my relationships with my adopted family.
I have a sister and a brother and none of us are biologically related. But they are my family and I will always be there for them, good or bad.
Yes, I have an evil streak that would make Satan proud. But it's never for a prolonged period of time. My love always wins out over the meanness.
If I get angry and immediately vent, curse, throw things, then storm out of the room/house, chances are that I will calm down in an hour or so and become the rational human being you fell in love with. I'm just a little high strung at times.
My passionate nature is both an asset and a curse. But if I am icy, cold or flat out refuse to talk, it will take longer for me to get past whatever is going on.
Winters are bad.
Spring is wonderful.
You go down, I go down, we all go down, and it’s fun.
My goddaughters ARE my babies. I don't care who gave birth to them.
Chocolate makes everything more bearable!
When in doubt, call a friend, they will give you a lifeline and help you out of the madhouse that is my mind!
Yes I am a HUGE flirt. But I am a loyal person. I do not cheat on my man.
If you are good to me and recognize me as the goddess I am and appreciate me, no one will ever love you as well as I will.
Do what you say you will do and no one gets hurt :)
Only wake me up when it is absolutely necessary.
And lastly... Just remember, I can be your biggest cheerleader or worst nightmare, it all depends on you.
This concludes my warning.
So this post goes out to my future life partner. I won't say husband, because I honestly don't think I will ever get married. I'll be like Goldie Hawn, Susan Sarandon... my mother! My mom has been with the same man for 20 years, and she has no intention of marrying him. But back to the subject at hand.
To my future life partner:
I am many things to many people. And during various stages of our life together you may have to deal with both the positive and negative aspects of my personality and my relationships with my adopted family.
I have a sister and a brother and none of us are biologically related. But they are my family and I will always be there for them, good or bad.
Yes, I have an evil streak that would make Satan proud. But it's never for a prolonged period of time. My love always wins out over the meanness.
If I get angry and immediately vent, curse, throw things, then storm out of the room/house, chances are that I will calm down in an hour or so and become the rational human being you fell in love with. I'm just a little high strung at times.
My passionate nature is both an asset and a curse. But if I am icy, cold or flat out refuse to talk, it will take longer for me to get past whatever is going on.
Winters are bad.
Spring is wonderful.
You go down, I go down, we all go down, and it’s fun.
My goddaughters ARE my babies. I don't care who gave birth to them.
Chocolate makes everything more bearable!
When in doubt, call a friend, they will give you a lifeline and help you out of the madhouse that is my mind!
Yes I am a HUGE flirt. But I am a loyal person. I do not cheat on my man.
If you are good to me and recognize me as the goddess I am and appreciate me, no one will ever love you as well as I will.
Do what you say you will do and no one gets hurt :)
Only wake me up when it is absolutely necessary.
And lastly... Just remember, I can be your biggest cheerleader or worst nightmare, it all depends on you.
This concludes my warning.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
A Letter To My Homie On Lockdown!
As some of you may know, I know a couple of folks on lockdown. Well one of them (on Work Release) sometimes gets to read my sad little blog and catch up on the craziness that is me. Being that I could not visit her last week and will also be detained this week, I have decided to post something just for her. However, if you would like to read and comment on it, that is just fine.
Hey Chick!
Ok, so since my visit this week has been rejected due to family strife and last week was due to lack of blackness :), I've decided to come to the library and email you.
You know I need to fill you in on things as they happen.
1. I just don't know how to feel about the whole HB thing anymore. I can't believe I've become the chick that I think is pathetic. And this is how it happened last year. I get fed up, end it, then he calls, we start talking again under the guise of friendship, then we start fucking because we think we can handle it. Then one/ both of us starts to get attached, then all the issues we have come back and one or both of us go crazy (usually me), I stalk, cry and sent hate mail, get fed up and the vicious cycle starts all over again. I cannot go through life with this man like this.
Part of me just wants to tell him that I am fucking someone else so he doesn't want me anymore. But we both know what a shitty liar I am and the thought of fucking someone new is freaking me out a little. The other part of me says that if I do that, I'll just prove him right that women cheat (he's paranoid b/c of past experiences). But I don't think it's fair to judge me on past hoes, and it wouldn’t even be cheating b/c we are not together! I have tried not to compare him (except in sex) to anyone else. Mostly b/c there is no one I could possibly compare him to (maybe NYM, but that's it). I had finally come to a point in my life when I was open to being in a committed relationship without breaking out in hives at the thought that I could lose some of my well cherished freedom. Then he comes along with more damn issues than I have and makes me love his wacky ass!! WHAT THE FUCK!
I miss him, it's true. And I would love to fuck him again, but at what expense? My self worth, esteem, sanity?
2. Mr. Cute = emotional security. Not in the way that he makes me feel more secure, but in the way that I know that I don't have to worry about what emotions he may feel for me b/c he's married and I am in no way trying to take him from his wife. He already knows this is a sex thing and nothing more. I want to borrow him, not keep his ass! I don't think it would be fair for me to get involved with someone who may want to have a relationship with me right now when my heart is with someone else and I am not sure if I can let him go forever or not. That's not fair to them or me. That's why Bry was a negative. Bry wanted to be my boyfriend and I couldn't handle that. He's a relationship type and I'm just looking for something to tide me over and keep me from going crazy over HB. That's why I may be breaking my married man rule for Mr. Cute.
3. Madison and I had a great time last night. She loved the movie and afterwards we had ice cream from McD's then stopped at Wal-Mart where I bought her a lip gloss she wanted. You should see her with her cornrows in the backseat bouncing and singing along: Lean with it, rock with it...Oh my goodness that was too much for me! I’m a little upset that she is listening to the trash on the radio that they like to refer to as hip hop. I may have to kidnap her, keep her in a room for 48 hours listening to nothing but Rakim, Big Daddy Kane, Tribe, Public Enemy and Queen Latifah’s first album. You know I’ll throw in Jay-Z, Busta, Biggie and Pac too; otherwise she wouldn’t be you & Ant’s child! But I that plan will have to be done when I stop working so damn much! Long Live Hip Hop!
4. I told them to take me off the schedule next month at WBs. I want to see if I can handle quitting for sure before I do it. I haven’t heard back from Chris, so I don’t know about the whole 5th job thing. But it will feel good for me to get sleep 2 nights in a row. The Jamaican is getting lazy for the summer.
So what’s up with you? Congrats on the raise you got. I want a raise too! Hopefully I can come see you next week… if I’m not under some man. I really wanted to bring HB with me to meet you, but I can never find him on Sundays, that motherfucker is truly “incognegro”! I know you want to meet him. It took Barb a damn year to run into his ass... and I wasn't even there! Oh well.
Well, gotta run. Hiho, hiho it's off to work I go. To sleep with men that I don't know Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho! Just kidding. I need a margarita! I'll be sure to have one for you too!
Peace, Love and Music!
Diva
PS... Mads knows my real name now. Ask her and she if she'll tell you! I told her that she has to call me Dia forever though because I like that she gave me a name just for her.
Love ya!
Hey Chick!
Ok, so since my visit this week has been rejected due to family strife and last week was due to lack of blackness :), I've decided to come to the library and email you.
You know I need to fill you in on things as they happen.
1. I just don't know how to feel about the whole HB thing anymore. I can't believe I've become the chick that I think is pathetic. And this is how it happened last year. I get fed up, end it, then he calls, we start talking again under the guise of friendship, then we start fucking because we think we can handle it. Then one/ both of us starts to get attached, then all the issues we have come back and one or both of us go crazy (usually me), I stalk, cry and sent hate mail, get fed up and the vicious cycle starts all over again. I cannot go through life with this man like this.
Part of me just wants to tell him that I am fucking someone else so he doesn't want me anymore. But we both know what a shitty liar I am and the thought of fucking someone new is freaking me out a little. The other part of me says that if I do that, I'll just prove him right that women cheat (he's paranoid b/c of past experiences). But I don't think it's fair to judge me on past hoes, and it wouldn’t even be cheating b/c we are not together! I have tried not to compare him (except in sex) to anyone else. Mostly b/c there is no one I could possibly compare him to (maybe NYM, but that's it). I had finally come to a point in my life when I was open to being in a committed relationship without breaking out in hives at the thought that I could lose some of my well cherished freedom. Then he comes along with more damn issues than I have and makes me love his wacky ass!! WHAT THE FUCK!
I miss him, it's true. And I would love to fuck him again, but at what expense? My self worth, esteem, sanity?
2. Mr. Cute = emotional security. Not in the way that he makes me feel more secure, but in the way that I know that I don't have to worry about what emotions he may feel for me b/c he's married and I am in no way trying to take him from his wife. He already knows this is a sex thing and nothing more. I want to borrow him, not keep his ass! I don't think it would be fair for me to get involved with someone who may want to have a relationship with me right now when my heart is with someone else and I am not sure if I can let him go forever or not. That's not fair to them or me. That's why Bry was a negative. Bry wanted to be my boyfriend and I couldn't handle that. He's a relationship type and I'm just looking for something to tide me over and keep me from going crazy over HB. That's why I may be breaking my married man rule for Mr. Cute.
3. Madison and I had a great time last night. She loved the movie and afterwards we had ice cream from McD's then stopped at Wal-Mart where I bought her a lip gloss she wanted. You should see her with her cornrows in the backseat bouncing and singing along: Lean with it, rock with it...Oh my goodness that was too much for me! I’m a little upset that she is listening to the trash on the radio that they like to refer to as hip hop. I may have to kidnap her, keep her in a room for 48 hours listening to nothing but Rakim, Big Daddy Kane, Tribe, Public Enemy and Queen Latifah’s first album. You know I’ll throw in Jay-Z, Busta, Biggie and Pac too; otherwise she wouldn’t be you & Ant’s child! But I that plan will have to be done when I stop working so damn much! Long Live Hip Hop!
4. I told them to take me off the schedule next month at WBs. I want to see if I can handle quitting for sure before I do it. I haven’t heard back from Chris, so I don’t know about the whole 5th job thing. But it will feel good for me to get sleep 2 nights in a row. The Jamaican is getting lazy for the summer.
So what’s up with you? Congrats on the raise you got. I want a raise too! Hopefully I can come see you next week… if I’m not under some man. I really wanted to bring HB with me to meet you, but I can never find him on Sundays, that motherfucker is truly “incognegro”! I know you want to meet him. It took Barb a damn year to run into his ass... and I wasn't even there! Oh well.
Well, gotta run. Hiho, hiho it's off to work I go. To sleep with men that I don't know Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho! Just kidding. I need a margarita! I'll be sure to have one for you too!
Peace, Love and Music!
Diva
PS... Mads knows my real name now. Ask her and she if she'll tell you! I told her that she has to call me Dia forever though because I like that she gave me a name just for her.
Love ya!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
MMM Krispy Kreme
You know how I love to keep the lists going.
TOP 10 WAYS TO MOVE ON FROM A FAILED LOVE AFFAIR
1. Work overtime. If you are working more than usual, that's less time that you spend obsessing about what he is doing.
2. Go to the gym. Ever try to cry uncontrollably while on an 8.5 incline?
3. Fuck someone new. Ok, this may not be healthy, and I haven't tried it yet, but it's on my list so I should give it a shot right?
4. Get reacquainted with old loves. Ben & Jerry, boy have I missed you guys! Let's go visit Krispy Kreme and see how everyone is doing. Anyone seen Sara lee lately?
5. Write until your fingers ache. Then you won't be able to obsessively dial their number then hang up when you realize it's a bad idea to call!
6. Hang out with your boys. Jose, Jack, Mr. Bacardi, Capt. Morgan. Those guys really know how to party.
7. Catch up on some good television. Lifetime anyone?
8. Learn a new skill. No officer, I'm not stalking. I'm taking a PI class and I had some surveillance homework I needed to finish.
9. Get a makeover. That undone hair and ratty t-shirt may just start a new trend. No time for make-up, no problem. Less is more!
10. Blog your every obsessive thought about the situation. It's working... right?
I swear folks; I'll get over this soon.
TOP 10 WAYS TO MOVE ON FROM A FAILED LOVE AFFAIR
1. Work overtime. If you are working more than usual, that's less time that you spend obsessing about what he is doing.
2. Go to the gym. Ever try to cry uncontrollably while on an 8.5 incline?
3. Fuck someone new. Ok, this may not be healthy, and I haven't tried it yet, but it's on my list so I should give it a shot right?
4. Get reacquainted with old loves. Ben & Jerry, boy have I missed you guys! Let's go visit Krispy Kreme and see how everyone is doing. Anyone seen Sara lee lately?
5. Write until your fingers ache. Then you won't be able to obsessively dial their number then hang up when you realize it's a bad idea to call!
6. Hang out with your boys. Jose, Jack, Mr. Bacardi, Capt. Morgan. Those guys really know how to party.
7. Catch up on some good television. Lifetime anyone?
8. Learn a new skill. No officer, I'm not stalking. I'm taking a PI class and I had some surveillance homework I needed to finish.
9. Get a makeover. That undone hair and ratty t-shirt may just start a new trend. No time for make-up, no problem. Less is more!
10. Blog your every obsessive thought about the situation. It's working... right?
I swear folks; I'll get over this soon.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
OH DAMN
Well I'm back from my travels and am better able to converse with real people now. Now, when I say "travels", what I really mean is I work 4 jobs (yes 4, like a crazy Jamaican should!) and I've been trying to get in touch with my inner self. Ya know, the one that is capable of thinking of others and not just herself. The one who truly believes that one day all of her intimacy issues will magically disappear... the one who really thinks society bullshit is the way to exist in a peaceful world. Yeah, me. Ok, really... why is it that people think I should get married?
Anyhow~ How have you all been… All 3 of you that read my sad little sporadic blog? You may notice that I got a little emotional in my previous post. Well let me explain. For the last few months I have put this hard ass image out there for the entire world to see. Saving my true feelings for my journal and my sister. I realized that sometimes I am hard to read and other times my face tells the whole damn world what my problem is. Well, everyone who has seen me knows that I have been having some really good sex. But what I was hiding was that I was becoming more and more attached to a man that is "emotionally unavailable". Knowing that I have been down this road before and have taken everyone with me, I tried (in vain) to hide the course I was on.
I know that there is a definite risk in adding sex to a friendship that is already a little off balance, but I just couldn't help myself. So off I went on this ridiculous notion that I could relive my younger days and have unlimited sex with no messy emotions to get in the way. Silly me. What the fuck was I thinking?
Now I am heartbroken and disturbed that I fooled myself and him into thinking that things could go on like this indefinitely. Basically I lied. Not only to him but to myself as well. And as many folks can tell you, I'm a shitty liar!
So I must now force myself not to call the man I so desperately want to be with in order to regain a morsel of my sanity.
Crazy huh?
Ahh the life of a single woman with commitment issues :)
Better luck next time huh?
APOLOGY SECTION:
1. I am apologizing to the man in topic because this is an unfair forum for me to vent in. And because he saw none of this coming. I tried to have this very important conversation with him, but he is consistently incognegro! So this was the only way I could vent and make myself clear without being interrupted or led astray by gazing into his deep brown eyes. This is kind of an asshole-like move though. For that I am truly sorry. My intention was never to hurt him... which truthfully he could probably care less if I'm gone or not. But I just had to make that clear.
2. I am sorry to my dear friends that tried to warn me in the beginning that this was all a bad idea. And I'm sorry for dragging you all on this emotional train wreck with me. But I love you all for riding shotgun anyway.
3. I am sorry to the next man that I will inevitably damage with the huge wall that will most likely be erected around the tiny pieces of heart that I have left. (Ha ha... I wrote erected).
Anyhow~ How have you all been… All 3 of you that read my sad little sporadic blog? You may notice that I got a little emotional in my previous post. Well let me explain. For the last few months I have put this hard ass image out there for the entire world to see. Saving my true feelings for my journal and my sister. I realized that sometimes I am hard to read and other times my face tells the whole damn world what my problem is. Well, everyone who has seen me knows that I have been having some really good sex. But what I was hiding was that I was becoming more and more attached to a man that is "emotionally unavailable". Knowing that I have been down this road before and have taken everyone with me, I tried (in vain) to hide the course I was on.
I know that there is a definite risk in adding sex to a friendship that is already a little off balance, but I just couldn't help myself. So off I went on this ridiculous notion that I could relive my younger days and have unlimited sex with no messy emotions to get in the way. Silly me. What the fuck was I thinking?
Now I am heartbroken and disturbed that I fooled myself and him into thinking that things could go on like this indefinitely. Basically I lied. Not only to him but to myself as well. And as many folks can tell you, I'm a shitty liar!
So I must now force myself not to call the man I so desperately want to be with in order to regain a morsel of my sanity.
Crazy huh?
Ahh the life of a single woman with commitment issues :)
Better luck next time huh?
APOLOGY SECTION:
1. I am apologizing to the man in topic because this is an unfair forum for me to vent in. And because he saw none of this coming. I tried to have this very important conversation with him, but he is consistently incognegro! So this was the only way I could vent and make myself clear without being interrupted or led astray by gazing into his deep brown eyes. This is kind of an asshole-like move though. For that I am truly sorry. My intention was never to hurt him... which truthfully he could probably care less if I'm gone or not. But I just had to make that clear.
2. I am sorry to my dear friends that tried to warn me in the beginning that this was all a bad idea. And I'm sorry for dragging you all on this emotional train wreck with me. But I love you all for riding shotgun anyway.
3. I am sorry to the next man that I will inevitably damage with the huge wall that will most likely be erected around the tiny pieces of heart that I have left. (Ha ha... I wrote erected).
When Enough Is Enough
I have decided to end a sexual relationship I am having because I have run out of patience.
See, I have a "friend" that I used to be interested in having a romantic relationship with. As a matter of fact, when we first met, we had many conversations about how wonderful we would be together. We share similar taste in music, movies and political views. We have great converstions and our sex life has become very satisfying. VERY. You may be asking what the problem is then.
Well, I have known him for a year (13 months + 1 day to be exact but who's counting) and a few things consistantly disturb me about him.
1. We have never had sex in a bed.
2. I have never seen the upstairs of his house. (What's he hiding?)
3. Everytime we have made plans to do something together (except for sex) he has stood me up or pulled a hoodini-style disappearing act for days on end.
4. He likes talking about marrying me, but can't seem to talk about dating me.
5. He NEVER does what he says he is going to do. (i.e. "I'll call you tomorrow" Tomorrow= 8-10 days later).
It's all very frustrating and I'm over getting my hopes up over nothing. He says one thing and conveys something altogether different. I have come to realize who and what he really is and it is very disappointing. I like him as a person. He is one of the coolest people that I have ever met and that's what makes all of this difficult. I understand his picky and analytical Virgo ways, but there is a fine line between picky and ridiculous.
I thought I could just maintain a sexual friendship with him, but I was deluding myself and lying to him.
The bottom line is this:
I know what I want and what I am willing to tolerate. I know what I am capable of and what I'm not. He is unable or just unwilling to give me what I need and want out of a relationship, and I am getting too damn old to wait around to see if he can figure it out. So despite my love and adoration of this man, I have to say good bye to him.
My hope is that one day we will find happiness in our relationships with other people and then we can maintain a friendship without the possibility of sex.
Hope springs eternal!
See, I have a "friend" that I used to be interested in having a romantic relationship with. As a matter of fact, when we first met, we had many conversations about how wonderful we would be together. We share similar taste in music, movies and political views. We have great converstions and our sex life has become very satisfying. VERY. You may be asking what the problem is then.
Well, I have known him for a year (13 months + 1 day to be exact but who's counting) and a few things consistantly disturb me about him.
1. We have never had sex in a bed.
2. I have never seen the upstairs of his house. (What's he hiding?)
3. Everytime we have made plans to do something together (except for sex) he has stood me up or pulled a hoodini-style disappearing act for days on end.
4. He likes talking about marrying me, but can't seem to talk about dating me.
5. He NEVER does what he says he is going to do. (i.e. "I'll call you tomorrow" Tomorrow= 8-10 days later).
It's all very frustrating and I'm over getting my hopes up over nothing. He says one thing and conveys something altogether different. I have come to realize who and what he really is and it is very disappointing. I like him as a person. He is one of the coolest people that I have ever met and that's what makes all of this difficult. I understand his picky and analytical Virgo ways, but there is a fine line between picky and ridiculous.
I thought I could just maintain a sexual friendship with him, but I was deluding myself and lying to him.
The bottom line is this:
I know what I want and what I am willing to tolerate. I know what I am capable of and what I'm not. He is unable or just unwilling to give me what I need and want out of a relationship, and I am getting too damn old to wait around to see if he can figure it out. So despite my love and adoration of this man, I have to say good bye to him.
My hope is that one day we will find happiness in our relationships with other people and then we can maintain a friendship without the possibility of sex.
Hope springs eternal!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
AHH Youth!
There are days when I miss my younger self. There are also days that I am surprised that my younger self lived to be this old and didn't get me killed. You know like when I used to go clubbing in NYC and thought it was a good idea to curl up in a corner and take a 20 minute nap. Someone could have really hurt me. Or habitually riding the subway from Brooklyn to Harlem at 1am (on a school night), if the bums didn't get me I just knew my mother would. Or like the time I invited numerous random people over to my apartment before I got to know them. They could have been anyone and done anything to me. The reason I bring all of this up today is one of the things that I am astonished I did. I guess astonished is a strong word... because people that know me personally are never astonished by my actions. But it surprises me sometimes when I look back on the risky stuff I pulled in my youth.
One Night Stands
There is nothing wrong with a one night stand or two during the course of a lifetime. And I even know a few people who have never had one (despite me trying to pimp them out!). But I took it to a risky level when a condom wasn't even thought. Looking back, I freak myself out! I would never pull a stunt like that now. But back then I was convinced that I was invincible. Like I had some sort of inner radar that would tell me I was about to lay down with some diseased Outbreak monkey and end up having a baby that would make the elephant man seem cute and cuddly! One night stands don't necessarily scare me now, but it's a completely different thought process and routine now. Then again, maybe they do scare me; I haven't had one in over a year.
Marriage
When I was 17 I was in love with what I thought was a great guy. I thought I would be in love with him forever. I envisioned us growing up and growing old together with out beautiful children. It turns out "forever" starts to look very different when the other half of the relationship tries to fuck 3 of your friends and other random chicks. Forever ended by the time I was 19 and met the next guy I thought I would spend my life with. Looking back, I know that I got engaged to protect myself. See, my fiancé was a good guy. He loved me, was good to me and wanted to be with me forever. It sounded like a good thing to me... Especially because I didn't love him.... Well, I wasn't in love with him. Finally after 1 1/2 of back & forth, he figured out that I was just going through the motions and went out to find my replacement. He cheated, but I can't say I really cared. When I found out, I was actually a little relieved. I realized that I missed the rush that love gave me & there was no way I could live without it just to protect myself from getting hurt again. But I can honestly say that for a while, I thought I would marry.
Children
Anyone who knows me very well will tell you that despite my self centered, shallow exterior, I do have a maternal streak. A big one. One afternoon with me & my goddaughter will prove that. Back in my younger years (around my marriage delusions) I wanted 3 children, maybe 4. I wrote their names down, planned where I would send them to school, envisioned their little smiles and voices and how their hugs would light up my life. I was crazy. As I got older, I figured, maybe just 2, a boy and a girl... Isn't that everyone's ideal? Now, well let's just say I love my godchildren and every minute I get to spend with them. And I really love it when I send them home. (Except one of them, she could live with me forever and we'd be ok). But the idea of childbirth isn't as lovely as it once was. I've seen it and it looks like it hurts. Not for me, no sir.
Alcohol
There are certain people and places that will never see me drunk unless I have a trusted friend sign a contract vowing never to leave my side! But when I first started drinking (no I wasn't 21!) I didn't care who was around or what they saw me do, or where I did it. I'd go to anyone's house party, get trashed and pass out wherever. I'd make out with random guys during the drinking process and not remember talking to them the next morning, let alone kissing them or flashing a boob. Now, I can flash my boobs while sober and not think a thing about it depending on the occasion. But I am very particular about where and whom I drink with.
Conversation
Despite my abrasive personality, I actually used to hold my tongue a little. This isn't particularly one of the things I miss about my youth, but other people do. Now I will pretty much say anything and not really give a fuck about how folks take it. And I have sarcasm down to an art form. To the point where my own mother made a comment about everything I say is dripping with sarcasm... Even when I'm being sincere. Apparently no one can tell either way now. Now that makes getting older fun!
One Night Stands
There is nothing wrong with a one night stand or two during the course of a lifetime. And I even know a few people who have never had one (despite me trying to pimp them out!). But I took it to a risky level when a condom wasn't even thought. Looking back, I freak myself out! I would never pull a stunt like that now. But back then I was convinced that I was invincible. Like I had some sort of inner radar that would tell me I was about to lay down with some diseased Outbreak monkey and end up having a baby that would make the elephant man seem cute and cuddly! One night stands don't necessarily scare me now, but it's a completely different thought process and routine now. Then again, maybe they do scare me; I haven't had one in over a year.
Marriage
When I was 17 I was in love with what I thought was a great guy. I thought I would be in love with him forever. I envisioned us growing up and growing old together with out beautiful children. It turns out "forever" starts to look very different when the other half of the relationship tries to fuck 3 of your friends and other random chicks. Forever ended by the time I was 19 and met the next guy I thought I would spend my life with. Looking back, I know that I got engaged to protect myself. See, my fiancé was a good guy. He loved me, was good to me and wanted to be with me forever. It sounded like a good thing to me... Especially because I didn't love him.... Well, I wasn't in love with him. Finally after 1 1/2 of back & forth, he figured out that I was just going through the motions and went out to find my replacement. He cheated, but I can't say I really cared. When I found out, I was actually a little relieved. I realized that I missed the rush that love gave me & there was no way I could live without it just to protect myself from getting hurt again. But I can honestly say that for a while, I thought I would marry.
Children
Anyone who knows me very well will tell you that despite my self centered, shallow exterior, I do have a maternal streak. A big one. One afternoon with me & my goddaughter will prove that. Back in my younger years (around my marriage delusions) I wanted 3 children, maybe 4. I wrote their names down, planned where I would send them to school, envisioned their little smiles and voices and how their hugs would light up my life. I was crazy. As I got older, I figured, maybe just 2, a boy and a girl... Isn't that everyone's ideal? Now, well let's just say I love my godchildren and every minute I get to spend with them. And I really love it when I send them home. (Except one of them, she could live with me forever and we'd be ok). But the idea of childbirth isn't as lovely as it once was. I've seen it and it looks like it hurts. Not for me, no sir.
Alcohol
There are certain people and places that will never see me drunk unless I have a trusted friend sign a contract vowing never to leave my side! But when I first started drinking (no I wasn't 21!) I didn't care who was around or what they saw me do, or where I did it. I'd go to anyone's house party, get trashed and pass out wherever. I'd make out with random guys during the drinking process and not remember talking to them the next morning, let alone kissing them or flashing a boob. Now, I can flash my boobs while sober and not think a thing about it depending on the occasion. But I am very particular about where and whom I drink with.
Conversation
Despite my abrasive personality, I actually used to hold my tongue a little. This isn't particularly one of the things I miss about my youth, but other people do. Now I will pretty much say anything and not really give a fuck about how folks take it. And I have sarcasm down to an art form. To the point where my own mother made a comment about everything I say is dripping with sarcasm... Even when I'm being sincere. Apparently no one can tell either way now. Now that makes getting older fun!
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
The World According to Diva
Did you miss me? Probably not, no one reads the mindless rants that ooze from my twisted brain. But that's ok, because the month of April is all about me. So here are some ways to keep that in mind. In every conversation that happens in the month of April, be sure to talk about my birthday. It doesn't matter what the conversation is about, as long as I am mentioned. Here are a few examples.
1. "Damn, I need to get my taxes done." "Well you only have until 2 days after Diva's birthday, so you better get to it!"
2. Let's stop for coffee on the way to work. Ok, do you think Diva would like a Starbuck's gift card for her birthday?
3. Did you see that accident on the highway this morning? Yeah, it's a good thing that it didn't happen on Diva's Birthday!
4. Hey, what are you doing this weekend? Celebrating Diva's birthday.
5. Did you see the news last night? Yeah, it was terrible. The whole hour passed without them mentioning Diva's Birthday! What's the world coming to?!
6. I have to go to a wedding next week. At least you know it's not Diva's!
7. Oh my god, I saw the cutest chick yesterday... Was it Diva?
8. Have you heard Busta's remix to "Touch It"? Yeah, Diva told me about it.
9. Damn, I just don't feel like getting out of bed, work sucks. But how is that attitude serving Diva today.
10. Easter is Sunday, are you going to church? I'll try, but I might be too hungover from margaritas with Diva!
I think you get the point!
April 13th... The day of Diva! Go forth and celebrate!
1. "Damn, I need to get my taxes done." "Well you only have until 2 days after Diva's birthday, so you better get to it!"
2. Let's stop for coffee on the way to work. Ok, do you think Diva would like a Starbuck's gift card for her birthday?
3. Did you see that accident on the highway this morning? Yeah, it's a good thing that it didn't happen on Diva's Birthday!
4. Hey, what are you doing this weekend? Celebrating Diva's birthday.
5. Did you see the news last night? Yeah, it was terrible. The whole hour passed without them mentioning Diva's Birthday! What's the world coming to?!
6. I have to go to a wedding next week. At least you know it's not Diva's!
7. Oh my god, I saw the cutest chick yesterday... Was it Diva?
8. Have you heard Busta's remix to "Touch It"? Yeah, Diva told me about it.
9. Damn, I just don't feel like getting out of bed, work sucks. But how is that attitude serving Diva today.
10. Easter is Sunday, are you going to church? I'll try, but I might be too hungover from margaritas with Diva!
I think you get the point!
April 13th... The day of Diva! Go forth and celebrate!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Comparing Crazies
So I was having some pretty good sex the other night and a horrible thing happened. I lost my orgasm. Seriously, I thought it was coming and then poof, gone. Unfortunately this isn't the first time that this has happened... It's just the first time (recently) that it has happened with an audience. See, a couple of days before the good sex; I was having some quality alone time (with a battery operated assistant) and none of my usual tricks were getting the job done. Then it dawned on me, drugs may have stolen my orgasm. This led me to ponder a very important question: What is more important, mental health or sexual health?
See, I'm on a lovely mood stabilizing drug to help me deal with a bit of anxiety and OCD behavior with a hint of depression. And I haven't spontaneously burst into tears because I couldn't decide what salad dressing to use in over a month, so it's working really well. The problem is it has a disclaimer that states sexual dysfunction may be a side effect. WHAT?! Oh dear. Now, I don't remember this happening the first time I tried this particular drug a few years ago. Then again I also don't remember having sex during that time. So now I'm faced with a very important decision about what type of crazy I am willing to live with.
On one hand I am happy with the way I feel most of the time. One the other hand, I really love sex and used to have really incredible orgasms. I mean REALLY INCREDIBLE! To the point where I am known for shaking and laughing uncontrollably after I climax and smiling for hours on end. No exaggeration. But it seems that those days are over. So do I stop taking my anti-crazy pill so I can go back to enjoying the limited sex life I've acquired? Or do I stick with the pill popping and enjoy sex without the finale?
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
See, I'm on a lovely mood stabilizing drug to help me deal with a bit of anxiety and OCD behavior with a hint of depression. And I haven't spontaneously burst into tears because I couldn't decide what salad dressing to use in over a month, so it's working really well. The problem is it has a disclaimer that states sexual dysfunction may be a side effect. WHAT?! Oh dear. Now, I don't remember this happening the first time I tried this particular drug a few years ago. Then again I also don't remember having sex during that time. So now I'm faced with a very important decision about what type of crazy I am willing to live with.
On one hand I am happy with the way I feel most of the time. One the other hand, I really love sex and used to have really incredible orgasms. I mean REALLY INCREDIBLE! To the point where I am known for shaking and laughing uncontrollably after I climax and smiling for hours on end. No exaggeration. But it seems that those days are over. So do I stop taking my anti-crazy pill so I can go back to enjoying the limited sex life I've acquired? Or do I stick with the pill popping and enjoy sex without the finale?
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
The Power of Addictions
Addictions are extremely hard to kick. Since around January 3rd I have been trying hard to handle my addiction to a few things that are very dangerous for me either physically or emotionally. Let me explain.
Addiction #1
January 3rd I had a doctor’s appointment. My usually kind, understanding, and patient primary physician became quite harsh with me. See, I'm diabetic and have a chocolate, bread and caffeine addiction that just won't quit. To add insult to injury, I am a very good cook and baker and have a tendency to bake more when I am antsy or stressed out about something. Well being that I have issues about the holidays, I go into baking frenzies from November to January. The problem with this is that I sometimes forget to give everything away and begin to stress eat. Well after a few months of triple chocolate fudge brownies, chocolate rum cake, macaroni and cheese and cornbread, my blood sugar became out of control. My dear sweet doctor said 2 words to me that scared the life out of me: Insulin Dependant. Huh oh! No more mocha frappuccinos for Diva!
So since that fateful day I have drastically changed my eating habits and my relationship with food. I'm doing better than I thought I would and everyday is an uphill battle not to fall off the wagon. But I feel MUCH better and my blood sugar stays within more reasonable levels now. And I've lost a few pounds which is a happy side effect! Thank goodness for Sugar Busters books!
Addiction #2
I have a "friend" that I am terribly attracted to. He falls into category 2 of my addictions list. The wrong kind of men. See, I don't have the healthiest of outlooks when it comes to those Y chromosome carrying fuckers, and this one just might be the end of me. I met him June of last year and since then I have gone through an emotional minefield with him. Initially I just wanted to be friends (in the true sense of the word). Then after a few conversations with him, I had the overwhelming desire to kiss him. Ooops. I am addicted to kissing. It’s better than sex sometimes. Anyway~ he has more issues than a magazine stand and I wish I never humped him. (Kind of…not really… it was good, oh never mind). Seriously, I’d like to not want this man anymore.
Physically, he is everything I never wanted. Mentally, he is everything I’ve always wanted. He’s talented, witty, intelligent, independent and a great kisser. He’s also emotionally damaged & unavailable, elusive, guarded, sexually selfish and unromantic. And God help me, I adore him and want to spend every spare moment I have with him. When he calls me, as soon as I see his name on caller ID, I can’t help but smile. And I’m not talking about a little grin, I mean a full-on cheesy ass, I’m a dorky 13 yr old, kool-aid smile! I hate it.
There was a time, a few months back, that I ceased communication with him. Somehow he gradually wormed his way back into my life and by extension my heart.
I’ve become self conscious when I’m around him and internally jittery. No man has had this affect on me, for this amount of time, before. It’s unnerving!
The real problem is there is this overwhelming feeling deep in the depths of my soul that tells me this man is supposed to be in my life forever. Like my karmic obligation to love. But my brain tells me to stay far away from him!
Addiction #3
I have a very good friend that sometimes gets me in a lot of trouble. His name is Jose Cuervo. Jose married this chick named Margarita and together, we all have a lot of fun! Jose made me coin the term “Hot Porn Head” after a drunken night of debauchery led me to give one of the most incredible blow jobs imaginable to a friend of mine. Oops.
Before my Jan 3rd Dr’s appointment, Margarita and I met up weekly. Sometimes a couple times a week. She’s a great lady. She always gives me a warm feeling and encourages me to flirt and lick the necks of unsuspecting men… and sometimes women. I miss her. I won’t be visiting her until my birthday weekend next month. But when I do, I’m sure dancing, flirting and possibly stripping will be involved!
Addiction #1
January 3rd I had a doctor’s appointment. My usually kind, understanding, and patient primary physician became quite harsh with me. See, I'm diabetic and have a chocolate, bread and caffeine addiction that just won't quit. To add insult to injury, I am a very good cook and baker and have a tendency to bake more when I am antsy or stressed out about something. Well being that I have issues about the holidays, I go into baking frenzies from November to January. The problem with this is that I sometimes forget to give everything away and begin to stress eat. Well after a few months of triple chocolate fudge brownies, chocolate rum cake, macaroni and cheese and cornbread, my blood sugar became out of control. My dear sweet doctor said 2 words to me that scared the life out of me: Insulin Dependant. Huh oh! No more mocha frappuccinos for Diva!
So since that fateful day I have drastically changed my eating habits and my relationship with food. I'm doing better than I thought I would and everyday is an uphill battle not to fall off the wagon. But I feel MUCH better and my blood sugar stays within more reasonable levels now. And I've lost a few pounds which is a happy side effect! Thank goodness for Sugar Busters books!
Addiction #2
I have a "friend" that I am terribly attracted to. He falls into category 2 of my addictions list. The wrong kind of men. See, I don't have the healthiest of outlooks when it comes to those Y chromosome carrying fuckers, and this one just might be the end of me. I met him June of last year and since then I have gone through an emotional minefield with him. Initially I just wanted to be friends (in the true sense of the word). Then after a few conversations with him, I had the overwhelming desire to kiss him. Ooops. I am addicted to kissing. It’s better than sex sometimes. Anyway~ he has more issues than a magazine stand and I wish I never humped him. (Kind of…not really… it was good, oh never mind). Seriously, I’d like to not want this man anymore.
Physically, he is everything I never wanted. Mentally, he is everything I’ve always wanted. He’s talented, witty, intelligent, independent and a great kisser. He’s also emotionally damaged & unavailable, elusive, guarded, sexually selfish and unromantic. And God help me, I adore him and want to spend every spare moment I have with him. When he calls me, as soon as I see his name on caller ID, I can’t help but smile. And I’m not talking about a little grin, I mean a full-on cheesy ass, I’m a dorky 13 yr old, kool-aid smile! I hate it.
There was a time, a few months back, that I ceased communication with him. Somehow he gradually wormed his way back into my life and by extension my heart.
I’ve become self conscious when I’m around him and internally jittery. No man has had this affect on me, for this amount of time, before. It’s unnerving!
The real problem is there is this overwhelming feeling deep in the depths of my soul that tells me this man is supposed to be in my life forever. Like my karmic obligation to love. But my brain tells me to stay far away from him!
Addiction #3
I have a very good friend that sometimes gets me in a lot of trouble. His name is Jose Cuervo. Jose married this chick named Margarita and together, we all have a lot of fun! Jose made me coin the term “Hot Porn Head” after a drunken night of debauchery led me to give one of the most incredible blow jobs imaginable to a friend of mine. Oops.
Before my Jan 3rd Dr’s appointment, Margarita and I met up weekly. Sometimes a couple times a week. She’s a great lady. She always gives me a warm feeling and encourages me to flirt and lick the necks of unsuspecting men… and sometimes women. I miss her. I won’t be visiting her until my birthday weekend next month. But when I do, I’m sure dancing, flirting and possibly stripping will be involved!
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Quote of the Week
The Quote of the Week comes from conservative (Schmuck)commentator Tucker Carlson regarding Dick Cheney shooting his hunting buddy Harry Whittington. Mr. Carlson countered Democratic commentator Paul Begala’s statement that the Vice President confirmed “preconceived notions” that Cheney & his boss, George W. Bush, “are trigger-happy and think they are above the law” with this inspiring statement:
“I don’t understand the fuss at all. He shot this guy in his private time on private property, and the guy hasn’t complained about it.” Wow.
He doesn't understand the fuss? Seriously? Hello, the Vice President SHOT someone! Accident or not, if a civilian American citizen accidentally shot another human being they would be in jail pending an investigation & probably a trial!
So by Tucker Carlson’s standards, as long as it’s on our private time on private property, we can go forth and “accidentally” shoot our friends as long as they don’t complain about. Good to know. Because as we all know, you can’t complain once you’re having a heart attack or dead!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
The Villains of Valentine
My mother, sweet woman that she is, answered her phone this morning with a festive "Happy Valentine's Day". I responded, "happy VD mom". I know, not something one should say to the woman who gave them life. But I think my mom is starting to catch on that I am not the sweet child that she raised. I'm pretty sure that she has figured out that her only child is now a little hostile and bitter when it comes to romantic relationships. Bless her heart. However, on the flip side, she is also very understanding in some ways. This is afterall the same woman that works so much she doesn't bother to drive home some nights. I caught her this morning on the way home & she mentioned that she hadn't been home since Friday(!) and really hadn't even missed anything there besides her own shower. Yeah, I am my mother's daughter. I say this to explain part of my personality that has become a source of discussions lately. I don 't like excessively clingy men!
Usually I would go into my annual "Valentine's Day Sucks" rant. But I've done that every year since one of my friend's boyfriends felt me up when she left him alone with me! I've had ONE good Valentine in my whole life. It was beautiful & hopefully one year, before I die, I'll have another one. So for now I'll just complain about men I've dumped before V-day!
I hate to break up with guys. As a matter of fact, I usually don't break up with them. I just manipulate them into breaking up with me. Don't get me wrong, I don't do anything drastic like cheat on them with their father or engage in any other kind of Jerry Springer-like behavior. I simply change my body language and the way I speak to them. But the thing that I am most guilty of is just not calling them... Ever. Now I know this is cowardly behavior. And when guys do it, it usually pisses me off. But when it comes to breaking up, I am a big hypocrite.
Going through the motions
I had a boyfriend a few years back that I really liked. Well I thought I did. As it turned out, the thing I liked best about him was that he was crazy about me and treated me like I was his fantasy sprung to life. Unfortunately, crazy turned out to be a good description of our relationship. I can honestly say he is the only boyfriend I have ever physically tried to kill. He brought out every ugly trait in me I never knew I had! (does that make sense?) I broke up with him twice, only to take him back both times. Finally I had had enough of our chaotic union, I decided to force him to break up with me. It took about 2-3 weeks for my plan to work though. I got really boring. I mean REALLY uninterested... In everything! I basically just went through the motions with him. We'd walk hand in hand, but I wouldn't talk. I kiss him goodbye like a dutiful housewife and walk away. He'd meet me after our day and I would address him in a monotone. Finally I made him miserable and bored enough to dump me. The backfire came when I started dating someone else and he stalked us. But I found that this technique of getting guys to break up with me was quite effective!
I'm so busy
I briefly dated one guy I met through work one year. We didn't work in the same company, just the same building. He was very sweet, but clingy. At first it didn't bother me, it was actually kind of cute. He would call me in the morning before I got in the shower, hang up, then call me back because he missed my voice. AWWW. But that started to get annoying. One day I was running a little late and cut our phone call short by telling him that I was running late and on my way to shower but I would talk to him later. I got in the shower and the phone started ringing again. Thinking it was someone else, I answered it. It was him again. I asked what he needed, and he gave me that I just need to hear your voice again shit again & I hung up on him. He called back thinking I had accidentally dropped the phone. So I snapped at him that he was making me even later now and hung up again. After that incident he got even more clingy. He's come to my job, walk me to my car. Call every day 5 times a day. Leave messages. Some women like this behavior, but I don't. At least not after the first few months. So I had to end it. I stopped answering the phone and was always "too busy to talk" when he got me at work. After a month or so, he finally gave up on me. Whew!
Yep, I'm single for a reason.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Educate Yourselves!
It is Black History Month as we all know. So I am encouraging you all to visit http://poetrylove.blogspot.com/ and gain knowledge about someone other than MLK Jr. & Malcom X and the usual great Black Leaders that we all learned about in school as a part of the regular curriculum.
Happy reading and learning!
CaffeineDiva
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Why Does Everybody Say That?
In my 30+ years of life I've heard a lot of things. Some rude, some funny, some accurate and some that have appeared to come out of left field. So here are a few things that I've heard numerous times throughout the course of my life.
1. You look just like...
Everywhere I've visited or lived inevitably someone has begun a sentence with these four words. They are sometimes substituted with... "You remind me of..."
2. You talk like a white girl
Since childhood I always manage to encounter some ignorant black person that thinks this is something acceptable to say. FUCK ALL YA'LL!
3. You're not right
This is usually said after some scathing comment has come out of my mouth about someone. It's usually followed up with:
4. Damn Diva, that's fucked up... Funny, but fucked up
So I'm not the nicest person in the world... Sue me.
5. Damn your tits are big!
Yes they are. What's your point?
6. You have such a pretty face
In other words... Damn you're fat!!
7. You're really tight
Do I really need to explain that statement?
Ok.. I've never had children & I work my kegals daily.
8. You're a sick child/puppy
This was said by my mother often. As I've gotten older, my sense of humor has become even more warped. I usually take this statement as a compliment.
9. I love your mouth
This usually comes from men.
10. Boy I'd love to meet your mother
Which is exactly why not too many folks do!
1. You look just like...
Everywhere I've visited or lived inevitably someone has begun a sentence with these four words. They are sometimes substituted with... "You remind me of..."
2. You talk like a white girl
Since childhood I always manage to encounter some ignorant black person that thinks this is something acceptable to say. FUCK ALL YA'LL!
3. You're not right
This is usually said after some scathing comment has come out of my mouth about someone. It's usually followed up with:
4. Damn Diva, that's fucked up... Funny, but fucked up
So I'm not the nicest person in the world... Sue me.
5. Damn your tits are big!
Yes they are. What's your point?
6. You have such a pretty face
In other words... Damn you're fat!!
7. You're really tight
Do I really need to explain that statement?
Ok.. I've never had children & I work my kegals daily.
8. You're a sick child/puppy
This was said by my mother often. As I've gotten older, my sense of humor has become even more warped. I usually take this statement as a compliment.
9. I love your mouth
This usually comes from men.
10. Boy I'd love to meet your mother
Which is exactly why not too many folks do!
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Just Die Already (Part 1)
Ok, I know that many will find my sentiments harsh. Downright heartless even. But hey, who gives a fuck, it's my blog not yours. So here is my rant about someone I'm sure the world would be just fine without. Hell, his demise might even make the world a better place to raise children in. Unfortunately I'm no longer a violent person, otherwise he would be handled by me personally.
Uncle Crackhead
My mother's brother is a complete waste of oxygen. Here's the deal: the reason I refer to him as Uncle Crackhead is because he had admitted to smoking crack in the past (he swears he's stopped). Anyway, after my grandmother died he disappeared off the face of the earth leaving my dear grandfather in a new city alone to deal with his grief. He abandoned his only child, and family for 13 years causing his poor father to worry for years. Basically we thought he was dead. I mourned the loss of the man that I used to adore and moved on with my life.
Now, he's back. After 13 years, the first thing he said to me is "you're still fat, you need to stop and lose weight". Not hello, how are you. Great.
Then a few months after that, he gets sick and we find out that he is HIV+. We prepared for his death. His daughter flew from New Mexico to Virginia to see her father and attempt to make peace with him before he died. That fucker lived! We nursed him back to health. He went back home, started working again and we thought all would be well. Then, he leaves his job and moves in with his father. This man is 49 years old living at home, not working, and mooching off of his 80 year old father! To make matters worse, recently he got a DWI and had to be bailed out of jail. His car (that his father bought for him) was impounded and his license taken away. Then he entered rehab for 21 days and is now back home awaiting his day in court. For all that is decent and good, just die already.
His daughter wants him dead. His sisters have already bought their black dresses to wear to his funeral. He has 2 grandchildren that don't know he exists. And he had the nerve to call me a bitch and say that I can't talk to him like some kind of nobody loser. Guess what. He is a nobody loser!
Closing thoughts
ANYONE that abandons, mistreats or neglects a child should be tortured within an inch of their lives then buried alive and left to die! Children are innocent little people. They need love & guidance. Nothing and no one should come before your children.
Coming soon, Part 2. I have another uncle I hate!
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Don't Make Me Smack You!
Since entering my 30's I have tried my best to control my temper. I have effectively become that person who people say things about like: Oh, her bark is much worse than her bite. That may be true now, but sometimes I miss the younger me that would have gladly followed through on the many threats that spouted from my lips. But alas, I am way too cute to enter the confines of jail life. So I have utilized my verbal prowess and quick witt to not only defuse many situations that may have ended in violence, but also to administer a tongue lashing to various idiots that have resulted in them shedding tears and me smiling like a serial killer. However, in the last week or so, I have found myself thinking that all I need is space, opportunity and a lack of witnesses to carry out the ass beatings that are greatly deserved by a couple of stupid individuals.
Freaky Skank
As I have mentioned before, I work in a karaoke bar. I usually enjoy my job. After a while, you start to zone out on the people that you know are truly horrible singers. And some of them are just so terrible that it becomes slightly amusing to see what song they will be raping next.
There is a chick that comes in the bar named Kinky. Yes, that is what she calls herself... And with good reason. She enjoys hitting on me and offering to "show me a good time", and informing me of where all of her new piercings are. Now, I know that I have mentioned before that I love men. But if I where to ever switch teams, it wouldn't be with the likes of her! Janet Jackson, yes. Angelina Jolie, sure. Kink Crazy, hell no.
She has said things to me like "I would love to watch you suck my husbands dick". Not being a prude at all, I just laughed off the comment and said," I bet you would" or "You wish!".
Well, one night last weekend, it was particularly busy. Earlier in the night Kink decided to show me a picture that was saved in her cell phone. I was in the process of calling up the next singer and she shoves her phone in my face and says, "look at this". I look up and there is a picture of her vagina with its 3 new piercings. One word, EWWWW! I gave no outward emotion and continued to work despite this rude interruption.
See, Kink is an attention whore. She feels the need to talk to me while I'm talking on the microphone. It is highly annoying. Anyone who knows me can tell you that there is just so much irritation that I can take before I snap.
So, towards the end of the evening (around 12:30) I look down to find that I have about 45-50 people waiting to sing, 2 birthday parties, and a bar that has become standing room only. So I make like a teacher calling attendance and see who is in fact still in the bar and on the list of wanna be singers. While I'm making announcements and keeping the crowd under control, Kink decides to come up and talk to me. Very distracting! So I yelled at her to shut up off the mic, then continued on with my job. As she was walking away, I decided to give her the attention she was so desperately craving. On the mic, I introduced her to the entire bar, said she just wanted some attention and to ignore her.
It got a few laughs and the show went on.
Well, a few minutes later I noticed that Kink was talking to the owner. I knew it was about me because they kept looking in my direction. A while after that, the owner came over and said that Kink was offended!
OFFENDED!!??!! You have to be kidding me. This heifer has showed me her pudenda, interrupted me while speaking to a bar full of people (repeatedly), and is obnoxiously drunk, and SHE is offended? Give me a fucking break.
So I have decided that she is in need of a smack down.
How dare she complain to my boss when she is the one who is rude and disruptive!
Trouble Maker
There is a backup employee at the bar, we'll call her Cali. Bottom line, I just don't like her. She's annoying and has a grating voice that only dogs should hear. She is constantly in everyone else's business and has been spoken to about her behavior a few times.
Just when she earned one good point with me, in less than 2 days she thrust herself back onto my shit list.
See, the other night as I worked, there was a very drunk woman in the bar. Well she had begun to get a little worked up because I was enforcing one of the many rules the bar has in place for singing on the mic. So I made a general statement to the entire bar of what the rules where for karaoke and continued on. Well, the next time Chicky Chick got up to sing, she broke the same rule again, so I turned her mic down. She got upset and handed said mic back to me.
Later, she got pissed off while one of the other employees was singing and proceeded to complain to the waitress. The waitress explained the rule again and backed me up. She was still upset and went to complain to the bartender/manager on duty. He reiterated the rule and tried to calm her down. She continued to curse at the staff & complain about me.
Well, as she returned to her seat, Cali walks over to her and says "Don't mind Diva, she always a bitch like that."
EXCUSE ME!
#1 You don't know me well enough to call me a bitch!
#2 You are an employee and know the rules.
#3 Mind your fucking business.
Luckily, I didn't find out what was said until the end of the night after Cali had vacated the premises. This isn't the first time that little bitch has started trouble with me or other people. But it will most certainly be the last! I will make sure of it.
Space and opportunity people, space and opportunity.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
LUST
Love... Won't say I never fell
But Lust I handle amazingly well!
"'Til death do us part" may never leave my lips
Yet you are welcome to a moment of joy between my hips
No, I don't handle Love very well
But Lust... Oh I give l Lust hell!
Some think I'm a slut and judge my sex life
So I'm either a whore or somebody's wife?
I've been in love... It was a disaster
So now hot Lust is all I'm after
No I don't do Love well, as many can tell
But I handle Lust amazingly well
Stringless fun is what I bring
Save your Love and keep your ring
So if fun is what you're after and not a lifetime of trust
Just bring me a smile and your hot, sexy Lust.
(married men need not apply)
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Happy Birthday April!
Today is my "sister's" birthday. I have known April since she was 11 years old and we have been through a lot together. However in recent years we have drifted further and further apart. It is a common thing to lose touch with childhood friends, we've all done it. But I have to say that April is one of the few people I actually still think about and miss when I don't hear from her in a long time. Even my mom asks about her, and she could give a rat's ass about most of my friends! But she knows that to me, April will always be a part of my family. Mostly because we were both only children and I am very protective of the people I love. So once I decided that she was going to be my sister, that was it. So in honor of April's birthday, I feel the need to address some "friends" that I can or cannot live without.
Stacy~ One of the few childhood friends I couldn't imagine my life without. She has known me since I was 16 years old. If I even thought about discontinuing our friendship she would probably tell everyone where the bodies of past boyfriends are hidden! Just kidding... Sort of. She helped get me through my first love and the heartbreak that followed when I discovered that he was trying to lay damn near all of my friends. She knows more of my secrets then I care to acknowledge right now! She will forever be my best friend... I wrote that in her yearbook!
Kim~ I used to consider her my friend until she slept with the man I was in love with (who was also the best friend of her fiance at the time) while I fell asleep putting her daughter to bed. Then she lied about it for years. I would have forgiven her if she would have: a) not blatantly lied about it and b) been at all remorseful about what she had done. I've tried to put the whole thing behind me numerous times, but I have a hard time letting shit go. Her daughter recently called me then put her on the phone, and the only thing I could think was: why the fuck are you calling me all of a sudden? She's one of those people that is always in the midst of some personal crisis and needs to share the whole emotional story with you. I can live without the whole thing.
(Sidenote: I am still friends with the guy she humped though. He told me the truth, apologized and we have become much better friends than we had ever been).
G~ I met G through Stacy when she was 17 years old. She was shy but funny when you got to know her. We once accidentally shared a boyfriend. Let me explain. She lived in Brooklyn, I lived in NJ, and he lived in Manhattan. If it were any other 2 girls, he would have gotten away with the whole thing. But the world is a small place and God don't like ugly! Once Stacy realized that both of her friends were talking about the same boyfriend, we set up a sting. He suffered, and G and I bonded. Years later when I moved to VA Beach, I sent G a Christmas card in Brooklyn. Her mom asked her why someone in the same zip code as she is would sent her a card in Brooklyn. She tracked down Stacy, found out where my house was and got my phone number, and helped me get a job. She is probably the only person who knows both the pre-20's me and the woman I am today. This year she is getting married, and I am honored to say that she has asked me to sing at her wedding! My life wouldn't be complete without her.
Kimmy~ I love me some Kimmy aka Itty Bitty. What she lacks in height, she makes up for in attitude. I met Kimmy at one of the many jobs that I've had and absolutely fell in love with her smart ass personality. She is beautiful inside and out, but God help you if you ever get on her bad side. She helped me get through so much (this blog isn't big enough to go into it all) and I don't know what I would have done with out her. She has since moved to Buffalo and gotten married. But I will always miss my favorite shopping buddy!
Barb~ By far one of the few people who truly "get" me. I met Barb a couple of years after moving down here. We instantly clicked over music we love. She is smart, loyal and great to just hang out with. We are complete opposites in many ways but agree on so many things that it sometimes confuses folks around us. For years people have been trying to figure out how she can be my friend since she's so quiet and laid back, and I'm so abrasive and all over the place. It works for us, thank goodness. Because if she weren't around, I would probably be off doing something crazy that could get me killed. She thinks things through and I just act on impulse! One thing is true, if anyone messes with her, they will feel my wrath!
Honorable Mentions: These are people that I enjoy having in my life and am still in the process of building our friendships. Matthew, Cera, Buck, Jeff, and Chauncey. I didn't forget about ya'll. Much Love!
Stacy~ One of the few childhood friends I couldn't imagine my life without. She has known me since I was 16 years old. If I even thought about discontinuing our friendship she would probably tell everyone where the bodies of past boyfriends are hidden! Just kidding... Sort of. She helped get me through my first love and the heartbreak that followed when I discovered that he was trying to lay damn near all of my friends. She knows more of my secrets then I care to acknowledge right now! She will forever be my best friend... I wrote that in her yearbook!
Kim~ I used to consider her my friend until she slept with the man I was in love with (who was also the best friend of her fiance at the time) while I fell asleep putting her daughter to bed. Then she lied about it for years. I would have forgiven her if she would have: a) not blatantly lied about it and b) been at all remorseful about what she had done. I've tried to put the whole thing behind me numerous times, but I have a hard time letting shit go. Her daughter recently called me then put her on the phone, and the only thing I could think was: why the fuck are you calling me all of a sudden? She's one of those people that is always in the midst of some personal crisis and needs to share the whole emotional story with you. I can live without the whole thing.
(Sidenote: I am still friends with the guy she humped though. He told me the truth, apologized and we have become much better friends than we had ever been).
G~ I met G through Stacy when she was 17 years old. She was shy but funny when you got to know her. We once accidentally shared a boyfriend. Let me explain. She lived in Brooklyn, I lived in NJ, and he lived in Manhattan. If it were any other 2 girls, he would have gotten away with the whole thing. But the world is a small place and God don't like ugly! Once Stacy realized that both of her friends were talking about the same boyfriend, we set up a sting. He suffered, and G and I bonded. Years later when I moved to VA Beach, I sent G a Christmas card in Brooklyn. Her mom asked her why someone in the same zip code as she is would sent her a card in Brooklyn. She tracked down Stacy, found out where my house was and got my phone number, and helped me get a job. She is probably the only person who knows both the pre-20's me and the woman I am today. This year she is getting married, and I am honored to say that she has asked me to sing at her wedding! My life wouldn't be complete without her.
Kimmy~ I love me some Kimmy aka Itty Bitty. What she lacks in height, she makes up for in attitude. I met Kimmy at one of the many jobs that I've had and absolutely fell in love with her smart ass personality. She is beautiful inside and out, but God help you if you ever get on her bad side. She helped me get through so much (this blog isn't big enough to go into it all) and I don't know what I would have done with out her. She has since moved to Buffalo and gotten married. But I will always miss my favorite shopping buddy!
Barb~ By far one of the few people who truly "get" me. I met Barb a couple of years after moving down here. We instantly clicked over music we love. She is smart, loyal and great to just hang out with. We are complete opposites in many ways but agree on so many things that it sometimes confuses folks around us. For years people have been trying to figure out how she can be my friend since she's so quiet and laid back, and I'm so abrasive and all over the place. It works for us, thank goodness. Because if she weren't around, I would probably be off doing something crazy that could get me killed. She thinks things through and I just act on impulse! One thing is true, if anyone messes with her, they will feel my wrath!
Honorable Mentions: These are people that I enjoy having in my life and am still in the process of building our friendships. Matthew, Cera, Buck, Jeff, and Chauncey. I didn't forget about ya'll. Much Love!
Friday, January 13, 2006
Paranoid Thoughts on a Caffeine-Free Day
1. The guy that I've fallen for hates me. He has secretly left town just to avoid running into me.
2. Oh my god, what if he's fallen down & hurt himself? Of course! That's why he hasn't called me back... I better go call 911.
3. Wait. What if the paramedic breaks the door down and catches him in an orgy with a midget, a dog, & a female wrestler?
4. That BASTARD!
5. OH... He doesn't have a dog. Whew.
6. Maybe I'm not the Queen of HPH (Hot Porn Head)!
7. Someone stole my coffee pot!
8. Why doesn't Starbucks stay open 24 hours? Maybe those frapaccinos are like cult kool-aid so they only sell then to customers & they actually drink decaf tea! I'm gonna die due to mocha.
9. This fat roll on my stomach is really a giant tumor... And once it's surgically removed, Halle Berry will have nothing on me!
10. Is Juan Valdez married? He is awfully close to that damn donkey... mmmm.
2. Oh my god, what if he's fallen down & hurt himself? Of course! That's why he hasn't called me back... I better go call 911.
3. Wait. What if the paramedic breaks the door down and catches him in an orgy with a midget, a dog, & a female wrestler?
4. That BASTARD!
5. OH... He doesn't have a dog. Whew.
6. Maybe I'm not the Queen of HPH (Hot Porn Head)!
7. Someone stole my coffee pot!
8. Why doesn't Starbucks stay open 24 hours? Maybe those frapaccinos are like cult kool-aid so they only sell then to customers & they actually drink decaf tea! I'm gonna die due to mocha.
9. This fat roll on my stomach is really a giant tumor... And once it's surgically removed, Halle Berry will have nothing on me!
10. Is Juan Valdez married? He is awfully close to that damn donkey... mmmm.
Myths & Stereotypes Exposed ~ Part 1
I, CaffeineDiva, am here to dispel a few myths today. I've been having a few conversations with folks, and have come to the conclusion that people are stupid. Ok, that's a bit harsh... but the ignorant things that fly out of people's mouths amaze me.
1. I am a chubby black chick that grew up in Harlem. I am over 30 and have no children, don't do drugs and can't stand the current state of hip-hop. I love Stevie Wonder, Prince, & am currently obsessed with System Of A Down.
2. As a United Nations dater, I now know one thing. Not all Black men have large dicks... but some white men do, not all white men dine on pudenda... but some black men do! Overall, I just like men, and that's okay!
3. I don't know how to cook collard greens, but I make really good matzo balls.
4. Yeah, I'm fat. But I'm not fucking Jolly! But I'm sexy.
5. Yes, my best friend is a lesbian. That does not make me one too. Of course I have entertained the idea of trying a woman, but that is usually when some guy has pissed me off or hurt me. Just being honest.
6. I am not AGAINST marriage. Marriage is a beautiful institution... I don't want to be institutionalized. Seriously, I think marriage is great when it works. If 2 people are in love, have a great relationship and stay together until they die, kudos, do your thing. I just don't feel the need to be legally bound to someone to express my love. And if you want to leave, peace and good luck to you.
7. I do not "talk like a white girl"!!! I am a verbal dynamo, black or white. I know how to articulate, it's not a big deal. Lots of people do it... on a daily bases. Not ALL black folks have a Master's in "Ebonics".
8. I like giving head. You go down, I go down, we all go down, it's fun!
9. I don't like watermelon.
10. The only sport I played in high school was volleyball! Not all black folks are good in sports, rap, deal drugs, or have an inability to keep a job. And white folks do not smell like wet dogs in the rain.
Go forth and educate folks!
1. I am a chubby black chick that grew up in Harlem. I am over 30 and have no children, don't do drugs and can't stand the current state of hip-hop. I love Stevie Wonder, Prince, & am currently obsessed with System Of A Down.
2. As a United Nations dater, I now know one thing. Not all Black men have large dicks... but some white men do, not all white men dine on pudenda... but some black men do! Overall, I just like men, and that's okay!
3. I don't know how to cook collard greens, but I make really good matzo balls.
4. Yeah, I'm fat. But I'm not fucking Jolly! But I'm sexy.
5. Yes, my best friend is a lesbian. That does not make me one too. Of course I have entertained the idea of trying a woman, but that is usually when some guy has pissed me off or hurt me. Just being honest.
6. I am not AGAINST marriage. Marriage is a beautiful institution... I don't want to be institutionalized. Seriously, I think marriage is great when it works. If 2 people are in love, have a great relationship and stay together until they die, kudos, do your thing. I just don't feel the need to be legally bound to someone to express my love. And if you want to leave, peace and good luck to you.
7. I do not "talk like a white girl"!!! I am a verbal dynamo, black or white. I know how to articulate, it's not a big deal. Lots of people do it... on a daily bases. Not ALL black folks have a Master's in "Ebonics".
8. I like giving head. You go down, I go down, we all go down, it's fun!
9. I don't like watermelon.
10. The only sport I played in high school was volleyball! Not all black folks are good in sports, rap, deal drugs, or have an inability to keep a job. And white folks do not smell like wet dogs in the rain.
Go forth and educate folks!
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Where's My Present?
I've been entertaining an idea off and on for the past 15 years that everyone (with the exception of one person) has thought was crazy or something I was kidding about... Marrying myself.
I know this may sound a bit drastic, but think about it from a financial point of view.
If you are single for any significant amount of time (ie. 30 + years old and NEVER been married) you have been subjected to all types of cruel, but not so unusual punishment. Your friends get married, you have to buy them a gift. And not just any gift... No, they have made it "easy" on you by registering at their favorite store and picking out what gifts they would like to receive. Same thing goes when they decide to have children. All of a sudden they need more gifts for the crumb snatcher that is about to enter the world! If they married well, they have a 2 income household... Budget, and buy your own stuff dammit. I am a single woman, working 2 jobs, I can't afford to buy presents for every loved one in my life that decides to have a lifestyle makeover. So where is my present?
I've been the babysitter for "date night" so folks can keep the spark in the relationship. I've cooked and baked for showers and surprise parties. I've been supportive of both straight and gay friends getting married and having children. Why is it that I have to wait until "Mr. Right" comes along to register at my favorite stores for the gifts that I want folks to buy me? Why is it that my friends don't throw a party for me celebrating my single life? What up with that? Well, I got tired of the bullshit and came up with the idea of my "Single Rededication Ceremony". Granted, it wasn't all because of the presents. After years of failed relationships, flimsy marriage proposals and the commitment issues that I have... I decided years ago that I would never get married. I came to terms with the idea, and have been good with it for a while now. However, like most other girls, I used to fantasize about the pretty dress, ring, and the great party after the ceremony where everyone is celebrating, well,... Me! I just never really got a clear picture of the groom.
Now I've heard all kinds of crap from people who have caught wind of my plans. They throw in birthdays; well everyone has a birthday. The same can be said for Christmas, Hanukkah, and every other holiday celebrated by the masses. Sure we all get presents for that.
I know this may sound a bit drastic, but think about it from a financial point of view.
If you are single for any significant amount of time (ie. 30 + years old and NEVER been married) you have been subjected to all types of cruel, but not so unusual punishment. Your friends get married, you have to buy them a gift. And not just any gift... No, they have made it "easy" on you by registering at their favorite store and picking out what gifts they would like to receive. Same thing goes when they decide to have children. All of a sudden they need more gifts for the crumb snatcher that is about to enter the world! If they married well, they have a 2 income household... Budget, and buy your own stuff dammit. I am a single woman, working 2 jobs, I can't afford to buy presents for every loved one in my life that decides to have a lifestyle makeover. So where is my present?
I've been the babysitter for "date night" so folks can keep the spark in the relationship. I've cooked and baked for showers and surprise parties. I've been supportive of both straight and gay friends getting married and having children. Why is it that I have to wait until "Mr. Right" comes along to register at my favorite stores for the gifts that I want folks to buy me? Why is it that my friends don't throw a party for me celebrating my single life? What up with that? Well, I got tired of the bullshit and came up with the idea of my "Single Rededication Ceremony". Granted, it wasn't all because of the presents. After years of failed relationships, flimsy marriage proposals and the commitment issues that I have... I decided years ago that I would never get married. I came to terms with the idea, and have been good with it for a while now. However, like most other girls, I used to fantasize about the pretty dress, ring, and the great party after the ceremony where everyone is celebrating, well,... Me! I just never really got a clear picture of the groom.
Now I've heard all kinds of crap from people who have caught wind of my plans. They throw in birthdays; well everyone has a birthday. The same can be said for Christmas, Hanukkah, and every other holiday celebrated by the masses. Sure we all get presents for that.
But where is the party for the person who has decided to stay single? Every other life choice is congratulated and celebrated. Let's start congratulating those special people in our lives that chose not to add to the growing population of the world!
THE PROPOSAL: All of us single people (who intend or think they might be single forever and have made peace with it) need to unite and show that we too deserve a big party and presents. June is the big marriage month; let's make August "National Singles Appreciation Month". Ok, we can start out with one day... kinda like Mother's Day. I figured August would be a good month... No major holidays close, schools out, good vacation month. We start registering for gifts and telling our friends where to shop. And then we throw a big party and open our gifts in front of all our loved ones. I think it could work.
Come on single people! Chant with me... WHERE'S MY GIFT? WHERE'S MY GIFT?
Hey a girl can dream can't she?
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Why Busta Why?
It's always sad when an artist you love does something horrible.
I have had love for Busta Rhymes since Leaders of the New School. His style captivated me, his energy impressed me and his mouth lead me to many fantasies about kissing him. It is a known fact that I have always wanted to pull a Me'Shell Ndegeocello and run my fingers through his dreadlocks. Now I am starting to question my love. Let me explain.
First, he hangs out with Pussycat Dolls. Ok, forgiven. Next, he cuts his locks off. Ok, a little drastic and a total fantasy killer but... Forgiven. Then the ultimate betrayal... He participates on a remix of "Laffy Taffy"! That is totally unacceptable of someone I use to think of as a real Hip Hop artist!!! WHAT THE FUCK! Why Busta...Why?
"Laffy Taffy" is the most ridiculous display of the downfall of Hip Hop that I've ever heard. Seriously, it's worse than that damn Kryptonite song! How can I possibly love him ever again. So from this point on, I will no longer wear my beloved Busta t-shirt and he is officially off my fantasy list.
Busta... call me when you've come to your senses.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
What's been said about me
Since I'm just starting this little blog, maybe I should go into a few things about myself and some of the things that have been said about me.
I have a few addictions. Music, The Cheesecake Factory, the minds of men & women, and spending money on anyone I love. A few of these "addictions" have gotten me into some trouble in the past. You try being a diabetic addicted to the Cheesecake Factory! But I'm working on them, and hope to start making progress soon.
During the course of my time in the blogispere I'm sure that one things will become perfectly clear: I AM OUT OF MY DAMN MIND SOMETIMES! This is not to say that there isn't usually something logical behind my insanity, there is, but following the path my mind may be taking at any particular time may get a little dizzying for most. But more about that later.
I've been told that I am funny and posses a warped sense of humor. I agree with that. I've been called a crazy bitch. I do not agree with that. The problem is that I am sometimes a little too honest for ones liking, and that leads to name calling by those unable to handle the truth about themselves or effectively express their opposition to whatever it is I said about them.
I've been called the coolest chick ever. I can somewhat agree with that. Personally, I think my best friend is waaayyy cooler than I am. I have also been told that my name fits me perfectly. Well it should, it's hard to live down a name like Diva!
But you know what they say about opinions. And pretty soon, whomever reads this thing will form their own opinion of me.
But for the record, here are the facts:
I am in my 30's, single and have no children. I live in Virginia Beach but was born & raised in NYC. Biologically, I am an only child... But if I ever win the lottery, I'm buying a new family. (it can be done!) I have the unfortunate pleasure of working in a karaoke bar. It is both fun and horrible at the same time. Fun, because there is always someone entertaining to point and laugh at. Horrible, because some of the sounds that come from vocal chords cannot be classified as music. Some nights I go home with a terrible headache. Not to mention that I don't really like country music, and bad country music can always be heard at a karaoke bar! On my own, I am actually a pretty good singer. So it sometimes pains me when songs that I love are raped in such a public forum and I can do nothing about it!
I have a few people that I consider true friends, but most people recognize Barb as my best friend. Mostly because I tell everyone that she is. :) My oldest, closest friend is Stacy. These 2 women probably know me better than anyone else in existence.
I am honest, tactless, witty, abrasive and loving all at the same time. It's part of my charm.
Deal with it.
I have a few addictions. Music, The Cheesecake Factory, the minds of men & women, and spending money on anyone I love. A few of these "addictions" have gotten me into some trouble in the past. You try being a diabetic addicted to the Cheesecake Factory! But I'm working on them, and hope to start making progress soon.
During the course of my time in the blogispere I'm sure that one things will become perfectly clear: I AM OUT OF MY DAMN MIND SOMETIMES! This is not to say that there isn't usually something logical behind my insanity, there is, but following the path my mind may be taking at any particular time may get a little dizzying for most. But more about that later.
I've been told that I am funny and posses a warped sense of humor. I agree with that. I've been called a crazy bitch. I do not agree with that. The problem is that I am sometimes a little too honest for ones liking, and that leads to name calling by those unable to handle the truth about themselves or effectively express their opposition to whatever it is I said about them.
I've been called the coolest chick ever. I can somewhat agree with that. Personally, I think my best friend is waaayyy cooler than I am. I have also been told that my name fits me perfectly. Well it should, it's hard to live down a name like Diva!
But you know what they say about opinions. And pretty soon, whomever reads this thing will form their own opinion of me.
But for the record, here are the facts:
I am in my 30's, single and have no children. I live in Virginia Beach but was born & raised in NYC. Biologically, I am an only child... But if I ever win the lottery, I'm buying a new family. (it can be done!) I have the unfortunate pleasure of working in a karaoke bar. It is both fun and horrible at the same time. Fun, because there is always someone entertaining to point and laugh at. Horrible, because some of the sounds that come from vocal chords cannot be classified as music. Some nights I go home with a terrible headache. Not to mention that I don't really like country music, and bad country music can always be heard at a karaoke bar! On my own, I am actually a pretty good singer. So it sometimes pains me when songs that I love are raped in such a public forum and I can do nothing about it!
I have a few people that I consider true friends, but most people recognize Barb as my best friend. Mostly because I tell everyone that she is. :) My oldest, closest friend is Stacy. These 2 women probably know me better than anyone else in existence.
I am honest, tactless, witty, abrasive and loving all at the same time. It's part of my charm.
Deal with it.
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