OH DAMN

Well I'm back from my travels and am better able to converse with real people now. Now, when I say "travels", what I really mean is I work 4 jobs (yes 4, like a crazy Jamaican should!) and I've been trying to get in touch with my inner self. Ya know, the one that is capable of thinking of others and not just herself. The one who truly believes that one day all of her intimacy issues will magically disappear... the one who really thinks society bullshit is the way to exist in a peaceful world. Yeah, me. Ok, really... why is it that people think I should get married?

Anyhow~ How have you all been… All 3 of you that read my sad little sporadic blog? You may notice that I got a little emotional in my previous post. Well let me explain. For the last few months I have put this hard ass image out there for the entire world to see. Saving my true feelings for my journal and my sister. I realized that sometimes I am hard to read and other times my face tells the whole damn world what my problem is. Well, everyone who has seen me knows that I have been having some really good sex. But what I was hiding was that I was becoming more and more attached to a man that is "emotionally unavailable". Knowing that I have been down this road before and have taken everyone with me, I tried (in vain) to hide the course I was on.
I know that there is a definite risk in adding sex to a friendship that is already a little off balance, but I just couldn't help myself. So off I went on this ridiculous notion that I could relive my younger days and have unlimited sex with no messy emotions to get in the way. Silly me. What the fuck was I thinking?
Now I am heartbroken and disturbed that I fooled myself and him into thinking that things could go on like this indefinitely. Basically I lied. Not only to him but to myself as well. And as many folks can tell you, I'm a shitty liar!
So I must now force myself not to call the man I so desperately want to be with in order to regain a morsel of my sanity.
Crazy huh?
Ahh the life of a single woman with commitment issues :)
Better luck next time huh?

APOLOGY SECTION:
1. I am apologizing to the man in topic because this is an unfair forum for me to vent in. And because he saw none of this coming. I tried to have this very important conversation with him, but he is consistently incognegro! So this was the only way I could vent and make myself clear without being interrupted or led astray by gazing into his deep brown eyes. This is kind of an asshole-like move though. For that I am truly sorry. My intention was never to hurt him... which truthfully he could probably care less if I'm gone or not. But I just had to make that clear.
2. I am sorry to my dear friends that tried to warn me in the beginning that this was all a bad idea. And I'm sorry for dragging you all on this emotional train wreck with me. But I love you all for riding shotgun anyway.
3. I am sorry to the next man that I will inevitably damage with the huge wall that will most likely be erected around the tiny pieces of heart that I have left. (Ha ha... I wrote erected).