So I was having some pretty good sex the other night and a horrible thing happened. I lost my orgasm. Seriously, I thought it was coming and then poof, gone. Unfortunately this isn't the first time that this has happened... It's just the first time (recently) that it has happened with an audience. See, a couple of days before the good sex; I was having some quality alone time (with a battery operated assistant) and none of my usual tricks were getting the job done. Then it dawned on me, drugs may have stolen my orgasm. This led me to ponder a very important question: What is more important, mental health or sexual health?
See, I'm on a lovely mood stabilizing drug to help me deal with a bit of anxiety and OCD behavior with a hint of depression. And I haven't spontaneously burst into tears because I couldn't decide what salad dressing to use in over a month, so it's working really well. The problem is it has a disclaimer that states sexual dysfunction may be a side effect. WHAT?! Oh dear. Now, I don't remember this happening the first time I tried this particular drug a few years ago. Then again I also don't remember having sex during that time. So now I'm faced with a very important decision about what type of crazy I am willing to live with.
On one hand I am happy with the way I feel most of the time. One the other hand, I really love sex and used to have really incredible orgasms. I mean REALLY INCREDIBLE! To the point where I am known for shaking and laughing uncontrollably after I climax and smiling for hours on end. No exaggeration. But it seems that those days are over. So do I stop taking my anti-crazy pill so I can go back to enjoying the limited sex life I've acquired? Or do I stick with the pill popping and enjoy sex without the finale?
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
The Power of Addictions
Addictions are extremely hard to kick. Since around January 3rd I have been trying hard to handle my addiction to a few things that are very dangerous for me either physically or emotionally. Let me explain.
Addiction #1
January 3rd I had a doctor’s appointment. My usually kind, understanding, and patient primary physician became quite harsh with me. See, I'm diabetic and have a chocolate, bread and caffeine addiction that just won't quit. To add insult to injury, I am a very good cook and baker and have a tendency to bake more when I am antsy or stressed out about something. Well being that I have issues about the holidays, I go into baking frenzies from November to January. The problem with this is that I sometimes forget to give everything away and begin to stress eat. Well after a few months of triple chocolate fudge brownies, chocolate rum cake, macaroni and cheese and cornbread, my blood sugar became out of control. My dear sweet doctor said 2 words to me that scared the life out of me: Insulin Dependant. Huh oh! No more mocha frappuccinos for Diva!
So since that fateful day I have drastically changed my eating habits and my relationship with food. I'm doing better than I thought I would and everyday is an uphill battle not to fall off the wagon. But I feel MUCH better and my blood sugar stays within more reasonable levels now. And I've lost a few pounds which is a happy side effect! Thank goodness for Sugar Busters books!
Addiction #2
I have a "friend" that I am terribly attracted to. He falls into category 2 of my addictions list. The wrong kind of men. See, I don't have the healthiest of outlooks when it comes to those Y chromosome carrying fuckers, and this one just might be the end of me. I met him June of last year and since then I have gone through an emotional minefield with him. Initially I just wanted to be friends (in the true sense of the word). Then after a few conversations with him, I had the overwhelming desire to kiss him. Ooops. I am addicted to kissing. It’s better than sex sometimes. Anyway~ he has more issues than a magazine stand and I wish I never humped him. (Kind of…not really… it was good, oh never mind). Seriously, I’d like to not want this man anymore.
Physically, he is everything I never wanted. Mentally, he is everything I’ve always wanted. He’s talented, witty, intelligent, independent and a great kisser. He’s also emotionally damaged & unavailable, elusive, guarded, sexually selfish and unromantic. And God help me, I adore him and want to spend every spare moment I have with him. When he calls me, as soon as I see his name on caller ID, I can’t help but smile. And I’m not talking about a little grin, I mean a full-on cheesy ass, I’m a dorky 13 yr old, kool-aid smile! I hate it.
There was a time, a few months back, that I ceased communication with him. Somehow he gradually wormed his way back into my life and by extension my heart.
I’ve become self conscious when I’m around him and internally jittery. No man has had this affect on me, for this amount of time, before. It’s unnerving!
The real problem is there is this overwhelming feeling deep in the depths of my soul that tells me this man is supposed to be in my life forever. Like my karmic obligation to love. But my brain tells me to stay far away from him!
Addiction #3
I have a very good friend that sometimes gets me in a lot of trouble. His name is Jose Cuervo. Jose married this chick named Margarita and together, we all have a lot of fun! Jose made me coin the term “Hot Porn Head” after a drunken night of debauchery led me to give one of the most incredible blow jobs imaginable to a friend of mine. Oops.
Before my Jan 3rd Dr’s appointment, Margarita and I met up weekly. Sometimes a couple times a week. She’s a great lady. She always gives me a warm feeling and encourages me to flirt and lick the necks of unsuspecting men… and sometimes women. I miss her. I won’t be visiting her until my birthday weekend next month. But when I do, I’m sure dancing, flirting and possibly stripping will be involved!
Addiction #1
January 3rd I had a doctor’s appointment. My usually kind, understanding, and patient primary physician became quite harsh with me. See, I'm diabetic and have a chocolate, bread and caffeine addiction that just won't quit. To add insult to injury, I am a very good cook and baker and have a tendency to bake more when I am antsy or stressed out about something. Well being that I have issues about the holidays, I go into baking frenzies from November to January. The problem with this is that I sometimes forget to give everything away and begin to stress eat. Well after a few months of triple chocolate fudge brownies, chocolate rum cake, macaroni and cheese and cornbread, my blood sugar became out of control. My dear sweet doctor said 2 words to me that scared the life out of me: Insulin Dependant. Huh oh! No more mocha frappuccinos for Diva!
So since that fateful day I have drastically changed my eating habits and my relationship with food. I'm doing better than I thought I would and everyday is an uphill battle not to fall off the wagon. But I feel MUCH better and my blood sugar stays within more reasonable levels now. And I've lost a few pounds which is a happy side effect! Thank goodness for Sugar Busters books!
Addiction #2
I have a "friend" that I am terribly attracted to. He falls into category 2 of my addictions list. The wrong kind of men. See, I don't have the healthiest of outlooks when it comes to those Y chromosome carrying fuckers, and this one just might be the end of me. I met him June of last year and since then I have gone through an emotional minefield with him. Initially I just wanted to be friends (in the true sense of the word). Then after a few conversations with him, I had the overwhelming desire to kiss him. Ooops. I am addicted to kissing. It’s better than sex sometimes. Anyway~ he has more issues than a magazine stand and I wish I never humped him. (Kind of…not really… it was good, oh never mind). Seriously, I’d like to not want this man anymore.
Physically, he is everything I never wanted. Mentally, he is everything I’ve always wanted. He’s talented, witty, intelligent, independent and a great kisser. He’s also emotionally damaged & unavailable, elusive, guarded, sexually selfish and unromantic. And God help me, I adore him and want to spend every spare moment I have with him. When he calls me, as soon as I see his name on caller ID, I can’t help but smile. And I’m not talking about a little grin, I mean a full-on cheesy ass, I’m a dorky 13 yr old, kool-aid smile! I hate it.
There was a time, a few months back, that I ceased communication with him. Somehow he gradually wormed his way back into my life and by extension my heart.
I’ve become self conscious when I’m around him and internally jittery. No man has had this affect on me, for this amount of time, before. It’s unnerving!
The real problem is there is this overwhelming feeling deep in the depths of my soul that tells me this man is supposed to be in my life forever. Like my karmic obligation to love. But my brain tells me to stay far away from him!
Addiction #3
I have a very good friend that sometimes gets me in a lot of trouble. His name is Jose Cuervo. Jose married this chick named Margarita and together, we all have a lot of fun! Jose made me coin the term “Hot Porn Head” after a drunken night of debauchery led me to give one of the most incredible blow jobs imaginable to a friend of mine. Oops.
Before my Jan 3rd Dr’s appointment, Margarita and I met up weekly. Sometimes a couple times a week. She’s a great lady. She always gives me a warm feeling and encourages me to flirt and lick the necks of unsuspecting men… and sometimes women. I miss her. I won’t be visiting her until my birthday weekend next month. But when I do, I’m sure dancing, flirting and possibly stripping will be involved!
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