There are things in life that you know, no matter how long you live, will continue to piss you off. You hate them and don't care who knows it. The list is usually pretty average and can span from the mild or mundane, like lettuce... Or the extreme or unusual like: I hate every over the top excited person who ever jumped on a couch and butt-fucked a midget! Well, in light of the past weekend, I feel the need to vent about something that I have hated since my very first year at sleep away camp at the age of 6! No, it's not Uncle Crackhead, and it's not that emotionally unavailable asshole I was crazy about... At one point I actually liked them!
This is something way more annoying, evil and downright sinister... MOSQUITOES!
Yes folks... Mosquitoes.
Now I know that no one LIKES these little blood thirsty bitches, but my hatred of them is a little beyond the average persons annoyances. The itching get so severe on me that it can wake me from sleep for a scratch attack of biblical proportions. So in honor of those blood sucking fuckers, here is my newest list:
10 WORST PLACES TO HAVE MOSQUITO BITES!
10. The Neck. For some reason every time I see a person scratching their neck a lot, it reminds me of a bum I used to pass on the subway from time to time. He smelled terrible, scratched a lot, and used to scare the hell out of me.
9. Back of the Thighs. Picture it, you're sitting down in a public place and trying to coyly lift you leg and scratch... mmm yeah.
8. Your Back. A typical itching on your back is bad enough. It's wonderful when someone is nice enough to help you out. But if you ask them to scratch your back repeatedly, don't you think at some point they will get a bit wierded out and start to question if whatever is itching you is contagious?
7. Your Ass. Is it ever nice to see someone walking around scratching their ass? Especially if the bite occurs near the crack of your ass!
6. Your Ankles. Ever try to scratch your ankles while driving or better yet, while on a treadmill? Think about it.
5. Toes. Even worse then the ankles. Last week while at a red light I actually took my sneakers and socks off just to get some relief. I had to sit outside of the gym in my car having a scratch-fest before I could start my work out. Anyone who saw me probably thinks I have athletes foot now! And it hurts, not just itches. Plus my usually cute feet & toes looked strange with that one red, puffy toe.
4. Face. Anywhere on your face is terrible, especially if you happen to be a vain, narcissistic, snob like I am. I had one on my lip once, I was more dramatically devastated than Marcia Brady getting hit in the face with a football! But I have to say, the worse place on your face to get one is:
3. Eyelid! Yes, I've had one on my eyelid. I came back from camp one year looking like I had gone a few rounds with Tyson. It was awful.
2. Boobs! I currently have 4 mosquito bites on my right tit. Those are some freaky ass bugs! The worst one I ever had was right next to my nipple. I couldn't scratch it as hard as I wanted for fear that I would cause massive damage to my poor nipple.
and the #1 worst place to get a mosquito bite is...
1. NACHA... you know, it's nacha pudenda and it's nacha ass! That's right folks, a perineum bite!! Try reaching that one with all your clothes on discreetly at work! I wish I could say I was fucking in the woods so I may have deserved such a fate. But I wasn't. I just can't sleep with underwear on and one of those BSFs was feeling a little friendly! It's like it waited for the right moment, when I would roll over and kick the covers off then prop a leg up.
I hate bugs!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Thursday, September 07, 2006
The Baking Bitch!
Sorry for the domestic post guys… I’ll get back to the sexy stuff next week!
I, CaffeineDiva, am a Baking Bitch. I didn't give myself the title, but for now, I am claiming it. Let me explain. A few years ago I worked with a very cool guy who I became friends with and we use to joke around that if he ever came into a lot of money he was going to open a clothing store for big guys called "250+" and right next door he would open a bakery for me called the "The Baking Bitch" because, as he put it, "That bitch can bake! Seriously, that is one bakin’bitch!"
Well, years later I have a new group of friends that come to expect baked goods for birthdays or holiday festivities. Usually I don’t mind being Aunt Jemima for a day or two, but I have now realized that people are never satisfied.
This became apparent last week. See my brother came home after a long time away. (You know… “Away”). And before he came home he requested my “famous” Chocolate Rum Cake that I usually make once a year around the Christmas holiday. But since he was gone for Christmas (and his birthday), I was more than happy to oblige him.
I had been on a baking hiatus of sorts due to my lack of will power & trying to live a more healthy life. My Dr. informed me that my baking practices and diabetes weren’t a good combination, so I retired my trusty baking utensils and set off on a bake-less year. Now my brother is home and in the past week, I have made 2 cakes and 2 pans of baked macaroni & cheese. You may be thinking, what’s the problem? Well here is where I start my famous venting.
I now have random folks (in and out of the family) putting in requests for baked delights. Seriously, folks that I have only met once or twice are asking for all kinds of stuff! A friend of his remembers some cookies that I made 2 years ago, and wants me to make them again. Come on, it’s been 2 years, get over it! It’s not like he hasn’t had my number the whole time my brother has been away and couldn’t have called and asked then. He may have had a better chance of me saying yes… not this year, but last year I would have.
Then, some chick that I just met last week (once) asked for 2 different cakes, one for her and one for her “baby”. How ‘bout this, I’ll give you the recipe and you bake a cake for your man! What’s next, am I gonna have to fuck your man for you too! When I bake for people it’s a loving thing, so I have to care for them. Hell, the cookie request is for something I actually call Love Cookies! So they don’t get made for just anyone! The last request was to remake one of the cakes I had made that week. The problem with that is that the cake that I made was an accident that came out tasty. I can’t repeat that shit!
So here’s my solution. I'll just start giving out recipes and various baking secrets to anyone who asks. It’s not like I’m opening a business! I can only bake when the mood strikes me.
Frankly, if my man came home raving about some chick that could bake me out of house and home, I’d be a little upset. This means he would be fat trying everything I could make until he raved about me again! But that’s just my competitive need to win and be the best chick ever!
I, CaffeineDiva, am a Baking Bitch. I didn't give myself the title, but for now, I am claiming it. Let me explain. A few years ago I worked with a very cool guy who I became friends with and we use to joke around that if he ever came into a lot of money he was going to open a clothing store for big guys called "250+" and right next door he would open a bakery for me called the "The Baking Bitch" because, as he put it, "That bitch can bake! Seriously, that is one bakin’bitch!"
Well, years later I have a new group of friends that come to expect baked goods for birthdays or holiday festivities. Usually I don’t mind being Aunt Jemima for a day or two, but I have now realized that people are never satisfied.
This became apparent last week. See my brother came home after a long time away. (You know… “Away”). And before he came home he requested my “famous” Chocolate Rum Cake that I usually make once a year around the Christmas holiday. But since he was gone for Christmas (and his birthday), I was more than happy to oblige him.
I had been on a baking hiatus of sorts due to my lack of will power & trying to live a more healthy life. My Dr. informed me that my baking practices and diabetes weren’t a good combination, so I retired my trusty baking utensils and set off on a bake-less year. Now my brother is home and in the past week, I have made 2 cakes and 2 pans of baked macaroni & cheese. You may be thinking, what’s the problem? Well here is where I start my famous venting.
I now have random folks (in and out of the family) putting in requests for baked delights. Seriously, folks that I have only met once or twice are asking for all kinds of stuff! A friend of his remembers some cookies that I made 2 years ago, and wants me to make them again. Come on, it’s been 2 years, get over it! It’s not like he hasn’t had my number the whole time my brother has been away and couldn’t have called and asked then. He may have had a better chance of me saying yes… not this year, but last year I would have.
Then, some chick that I just met last week (once) asked for 2 different cakes, one for her and one for her “baby”. How ‘bout this, I’ll give you the recipe and you bake a cake for your man! What’s next, am I gonna have to fuck your man for you too! When I bake for people it’s a loving thing, so I have to care for them. Hell, the cookie request is for something I actually call Love Cookies! So they don’t get made for just anyone! The last request was to remake one of the cakes I had made that week. The problem with that is that the cake that I made was an accident that came out tasty. I can’t repeat that shit!
So here’s my solution. I'll just start giving out recipes and various baking secrets to anyone who asks. It’s not like I’m opening a business! I can only bake when the mood strikes me.
Frankly, if my man came home raving about some chick that could bake me out of house and home, I’d be a little upset. This means he would be fat trying everything I could make until he raved about me again! But that’s just my competitive need to win and be the best chick ever!
Friday, September 01, 2006
In My Own Little World... A Warning
I am a goddess... to a select group of people. To some folks, I am the craziest bitch that has ever walked the face of the earth. Then there are others that are constantly confused by my interesting mixture of psychotic charm, maternal warmth, and manic flirtations. Yes, it sounds strange, but in my own little world... I rule! To my goddaughter, I am a fairy godmother. To my mother, I am a shameful waste of potential and a constant disappointment. To my co-workers, I am an unpredictable blend of irritated snob and dancing queen. And to my friends, well, I am just plan fun to watch. (More fun with tequila!) One of my friends consistently gives me the best compliments ever... I am breathtaking! And if men came equipped with her eyes, I'd never long for a date. To most of my ex-boyfriends, fuck buddies, and friends with benefits, I am orally gifted, emotionally damaged, and brutally honest. But no matter what, if they need me, I will usually have their back. Because even though I may talk shit about them, no other chick is allowed to!
So this post goes out to my future life partner. I won't say husband, because I honestly don't think I will ever get married. I'll be like Goldie Hawn, Susan Sarandon... my mother! My mom has been with the same man for 20 years, and she has no intention of marrying him. But back to the subject at hand.
To my future life partner:
I am many things to many people. And during various stages of our life together you may have to deal with both the positive and negative aspects of my personality and my relationships with my adopted family.
I have a sister and a brother and none of us are biologically related. But they are my family and I will always be there for them, good or bad.
Yes, I have an evil streak that would make Satan proud. But it's never for a prolonged period of time. My love always wins out over the meanness.
If I get angry and immediately vent, curse, throw things, then storm out of the room/house, chances are that I will calm down in an hour or so and become the rational human being you fell in love with. I'm just a little high strung at times.
My passionate nature is both an asset and a curse. But if I am icy, cold or flat out refuse to talk, it will take longer for me to get past whatever is going on.
Winters are bad.
Spring is wonderful.
You go down, I go down, we all go down, and it’s fun.
My goddaughters ARE my babies. I don't care who gave birth to them.
Chocolate makes everything more bearable!
When in doubt, call a friend, they will give you a lifeline and help you out of the madhouse that is my mind!
Yes I am a HUGE flirt. But I am a loyal person. I do not cheat on my man.
If you are good to me and recognize me as the goddess I am and appreciate me, no one will ever love you as well as I will.
Do what you say you will do and no one gets hurt :)
Only wake me up when it is absolutely necessary.
And lastly... Just remember, I can be your biggest cheerleader or worst nightmare, it all depends on you.
This concludes my warning.
So this post goes out to my future life partner. I won't say husband, because I honestly don't think I will ever get married. I'll be like Goldie Hawn, Susan Sarandon... my mother! My mom has been with the same man for 20 years, and she has no intention of marrying him. But back to the subject at hand.
To my future life partner:
I am many things to many people. And during various stages of our life together you may have to deal with both the positive and negative aspects of my personality and my relationships with my adopted family.
I have a sister and a brother and none of us are biologically related. But they are my family and I will always be there for them, good or bad.
Yes, I have an evil streak that would make Satan proud. But it's never for a prolonged period of time. My love always wins out over the meanness.
If I get angry and immediately vent, curse, throw things, then storm out of the room/house, chances are that I will calm down in an hour or so and become the rational human being you fell in love with. I'm just a little high strung at times.
My passionate nature is both an asset and a curse. But if I am icy, cold or flat out refuse to talk, it will take longer for me to get past whatever is going on.
Winters are bad.
Spring is wonderful.
You go down, I go down, we all go down, and it’s fun.
My goddaughters ARE my babies. I don't care who gave birth to them.
Chocolate makes everything more bearable!
When in doubt, call a friend, they will give you a lifeline and help you out of the madhouse that is my mind!
Yes I am a HUGE flirt. But I am a loyal person. I do not cheat on my man.
If you are good to me and recognize me as the goddess I am and appreciate me, no one will ever love you as well as I will.
Do what you say you will do and no one gets hurt :)
Only wake me up when it is absolutely necessary.
And lastly... Just remember, I can be your biggest cheerleader or worst nightmare, it all depends on you.
This concludes my warning.
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