As some of you may know, I know a couple of folks on lockdown. Well one of them (on Work Release) sometimes gets to read my sad little blog and catch up on the craziness that is me. Being that I could not visit her last week and will also be detained this week, I have decided to post something just for her. However, if you would like to read and comment on it, that is just fine.
Hey Chick!
Ok, so since my visit this week has been rejected due to family strife and last week was due to lack of blackness :), I've decided to come to the library and email you.
You know I need to fill you in on things as they happen.
1. I just don't know how to feel about the whole HB thing anymore. I can't believe I've become the chick that I think is pathetic. And this is how it happened last year. I get fed up, end it, then he calls, we start talking again under the guise of friendship, then we start fucking because we think we can handle it. Then one/ both of us starts to get attached, then all the issues we have come back and one or both of us go crazy (usually me), I stalk, cry and sent hate mail, get fed up and the vicious cycle starts all over again. I cannot go through life with this man like this.
Part of me just wants to tell him that I am fucking someone else so he doesn't want me anymore. But we both know what a shitty liar I am and the thought of fucking someone new is freaking me out a little. The other part of me says that if I do that, I'll just prove him right that women cheat (he's paranoid b/c of past experiences). But I don't think it's fair to judge me on past hoes, and it wouldn’t even be cheating b/c we are not together! I have tried not to compare him (except in sex) to anyone else. Mostly b/c there is no one I could possibly compare him to (maybe NYM, but that's it). I had finally come to a point in my life when I was open to being in a committed relationship without breaking out in hives at the thought that I could lose some of my well cherished freedom. Then he comes along with more damn issues than I have and makes me love his wacky ass!! WHAT THE FUCK!
I miss him, it's true. And I would love to fuck him again, but at what expense? My self worth, esteem, sanity?
2. Mr. Cute = emotional security. Not in the way that he makes me feel more secure, but in the way that I know that I don't have to worry about what emotions he may feel for me b/c he's married and I am in no way trying to take him from his wife. He already knows this is a sex thing and nothing more. I want to borrow him, not keep his ass! I don't think it would be fair for me to get involved with someone who may want to have a relationship with me right now when my heart is with someone else and I am not sure if I can let him go forever or not. That's not fair to them or me. That's why Bry was a negative. Bry wanted to be my boyfriend and I couldn't handle that. He's a relationship type and I'm just looking for something to tide me over and keep me from going crazy over HB. That's why I may be breaking my married man rule for Mr. Cute.
3. Madison and I had a great time last night. She loved the movie and afterwards we had ice cream from McD's then stopped at Wal-Mart where I bought her a lip gloss she wanted. You should see her with her cornrows in the backseat bouncing and singing along: Lean with it, rock with it...Oh my goodness that was too much for me! I’m a little upset that she is listening to the trash on the radio that they like to refer to as hip hop. I may have to kidnap her, keep her in a room for 48 hours listening to nothing but Rakim, Big Daddy Kane, Tribe, Public Enemy and Queen Latifah’s first album. You know I’ll throw in Jay-Z, Busta, Biggie and Pac too; otherwise she wouldn’t be you & Ant’s child! But I that plan will have to be done when I stop working so damn much! Long Live Hip Hop!
4. I told them to take me off the schedule next month at WBs. I want to see if I can handle quitting for sure before I do it. I haven’t heard back from Chris, so I don’t know about the whole 5th job thing. But it will feel good for me to get sleep 2 nights in a row. The Jamaican is getting lazy for the summer.
So what’s up with you? Congrats on the raise you got. I want a raise too! Hopefully I can come see you next week… if I’m not under some man. I really wanted to bring HB with me to meet you, but I can never find him on Sundays, that motherfucker is truly “incognegro”! I know you want to meet him. It took Barb a damn year to run into his ass... and I wasn't even there! Oh well.
Well, gotta run. Hiho, hiho it's off to work I go. To sleep with men that I don't know Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho! Just kidding. I need a margarita! I'll be sure to have one for you too!
Peace, Love and Music!
Diva
PS... Mads knows my real name now. Ask her and she if she'll tell you! I told her that she has to call me Dia forever though because I like that she gave me a name just for her.
Love ya!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
MMM Krispy Kreme
You know how I love to keep the lists going.
TOP 10 WAYS TO MOVE ON FROM A FAILED LOVE AFFAIR
1. Work overtime. If you are working more than usual, that's less time that you spend obsessing about what he is doing.
2. Go to the gym. Ever try to cry uncontrollably while on an 8.5 incline?
3. Fuck someone new. Ok, this may not be healthy, and I haven't tried it yet, but it's on my list so I should give it a shot right?
4. Get reacquainted with old loves. Ben & Jerry, boy have I missed you guys! Let's go visit Krispy Kreme and see how everyone is doing. Anyone seen Sara lee lately?
5. Write until your fingers ache. Then you won't be able to obsessively dial their number then hang up when you realize it's a bad idea to call!
6. Hang out with your boys. Jose, Jack, Mr. Bacardi, Capt. Morgan. Those guys really know how to party.
7. Catch up on some good television. Lifetime anyone?
8. Learn a new skill. No officer, I'm not stalking. I'm taking a PI class and I had some surveillance homework I needed to finish.
9. Get a makeover. That undone hair and ratty t-shirt may just start a new trend. No time for make-up, no problem. Less is more!
10. Blog your every obsessive thought about the situation. It's working... right?
I swear folks; I'll get over this soon.
TOP 10 WAYS TO MOVE ON FROM A FAILED LOVE AFFAIR
1. Work overtime. If you are working more than usual, that's less time that you spend obsessing about what he is doing.
2. Go to the gym. Ever try to cry uncontrollably while on an 8.5 incline?
3. Fuck someone new. Ok, this may not be healthy, and I haven't tried it yet, but it's on my list so I should give it a shot right?
4. Get reacquainted with old loves. Ben & Jerry, boy have I missed you guys! Let's go visit Krispy Kreme and see how everyone is doing. Anyone seen Sara lee lately?
5. Write until your fingers ache. Then you won't be able to obsessively dial their number then hang up when you realize it's a bad idea to call!
6. Hang out with your boys. Jose, Jack, Mr. Bacardi, Capt. Morgan. Those guys really know how to party.
7. Catch up on some good television. Lifetime anyone?
8. Learn a new skill. No officer, I'm not stalking. I'm taking a PI class and I had some surveillance homework I needed to finish.
9. Get a makeover. That undone hair and ratty t-shirt may just start a new trend. No time for make-up, no problem. Less is more!
10. Blog your every obsessive thought about the situation. It's working... right?
I swear folks; I'll get over this soon.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
OH DAMN
Well I'm back from my travels and am better able to converse with real people now. Now, when I say "travels", what I really mean is I work 4 jobs (yes 4, like a crazy Jamaican should!) and I've been trying to get in touch with my inner self. Ya know, the one that is capable of thinking of others and not just herself. The one who truly believes that one day all of her intimacy issues will magically disappear... the one who really thinks society bullshit is the way to exist in a peaceful world. Yeah, me. Ok, really... why is it that people think I should get married?
Anyhow~ How have you all been… All 3 of you that read my sad little sporadic blog? You may notice that I got a little emotional in my previous post. Well let me explain. For the last few months I have put this hard ass image out there for the entire world to see. Saving my true feelings for my journal and my sister. I realized that sometimes I am hard to read and other times my face tells the whole damn world what my problem is. Well, everyone who has seen me knows that I have been having some really good sex. But what I was hiding was that I was becoming more and more attached to a man that is "emotionally unavailable". Knowing that I have been down this road before and have taken everyone with me, I tried (in vain) to hide the course I was on.
I know that there is a definite risk in adding sex to a friendship that is already a little off balance, but I just couldn't help myself. So off I went on this ridiculous notion that I could relive my younger days and have unlimited sex with no messy emotions to get in the way. Silly me. What the fuck was I thinking?
Now I am heartbroken and disturbed that I fooled myself and him into thinking that things could go on like this indefinitely. Basically I lied. Not only to him but to myself as well. And as many folks can tell you, I'm a shitty liar!
So I must now force myself not to call the man I so desperately want to be with in order to regain a morsel of my sanity.
Crazy huh?
Ahh the life of a single woman with commitment issues :)
Better luck next time huh?
APOLOGY SECTION:
1. I am apologizing to the man in topic because this is an unfair forum for me to vent in. And because he saw none of this coming. I tried to have this very important conversation with him, but he is consistently incognegro! So this was the only way I could vent and make myself clear without being interrupted or led astray by gazing into his deep brown eyes. This is kind of an asshole-like move though. For that I am truly sorry. My intention was never to hurt him... which truthfully he could probably care less if I'm gone or not. But I just had to make that clear.
2. I am sorry to my dear friends that tried to warn me in the beginning that this was all a bad idea. And I'm sorry for dragging you all on this emotional train wreck with me. But I love you all for riding shotgun anyway.
3. I am sorry to the next man that I will inevitably damage with the huge wall that will most likely be erected around the tiny pieces of heart that I have left. (Ha ha... I wrote erected).
Anyhow~ How have you all been… All 3 of you that read my sad little sporadic blog? You may notice that I got a little emotional in my previous post. Well let me explain. For the last few months I have put this hard ass image out there for the entire world to see. Saving my true feelings for my journal and my sister. I realized that sometimes I am hard to read and other times my face tells the whole damn world what my problem is. Well, everyone who has seen me knows that I have been having some really good sex. But what I was hiding was that I was becoming more and more attached to a man that is "emotionally unavailable". Knowing that I have been down this road before and have taken everyone with me, I tried (in vain) to hide the course I was on.
I know that there is a definite risk in adding sex to a friendship that is already a little off balance, but I just couldn't help myself. So off I went on this ridiculous notion that I could relive my younger days and have unlimited sex with no messy emotions to get in the way. Silly me. What the fuck was I thinking?
Now I am heartbroken and disturbed that I fooled myself and him into thinking that things could go on like this indefinitely. Basically I lied. Not only to him but to myself as well. And as many folks can tell you, I'm a shitty liar!
So I must now force myself not to call the man I so desperately want to be with in order to regain a morsel of my sanity.
Crazy huh?
Ahh the life of a single woman with commitment issues :)
Better luck next time huh?
APOLOGY SECTION:
1. I am apologizing to the man in topic because this is an unfair forum for me to vent in. And because he saw none of this coming. I tried to have this very important conversation with him, but he is consistently incognegro! So this was the only way I could vent and make myself clear without being interrupted or led astray by gazing into his deep brown eyes. This is kind of an asshole-like move though. For that I am truly sorry. My intention was never to hurt him... which truthfully he could probably care less if I'm gone or not. But I just had to make that clear.
2. I am sorry to my dear friends that tried to warn me in the beginning that this was all a bad idea. And I'm sorry for dragging you all on this emotional train wreck with me. But I love you all for riding shotgun anyway.
3. I am sorry to the next man that I will inevitably damage with the huge wall that will most likely be erected around the tiny pieces of heart that I have left. (Ha ha... I wrote erected).
When Enough Is Enough
I have decided to end a sexual relationship I am having because I have run out of patience.
See, I have a "friend" that I used to be interested in having a romantic relationship with. As a matter of fact, when we first met, we had many conversations about how wonderful we would be together. We share similar taste in music, movies and political views. We have great converstions and our sex life has become very satisfying. VERY. You may be asking what the problem is then.
Well, I have known him for a year (13 months + 1 day to be exact but who's counting) and a few things consistantly disturb me about him.
1. We have never had sex in a bed.
2. I have never seen the upstairs of his house. (What's he hiding?)
3. Everytime we have made plans to do something together (except for sex) he has stood me up or pulled a hoodini-style disappearing act for days on end.
4. He likes talking about marrying me, but can't seem to talk about dating me.
5. He NEVER does what he says he is going to do. (i.e. "I'll call you tomorrow" Tomorrow= 8-10 days later).
It's all very frustrating and I'm over getting my hopes up over nothing. He says one thing and conveys something altogether different. I have come to realize who and what he really is and it is very disappointing. I like him as a person. He is one of the coolest people that I have ever met and that's what makes all of this difficult. I understand his picky and analytical Virgo ways, but there is a fine line between picky and ridiculous.
I thought I could just maintain a sexual friendship with him, but I was deluding myself and lying to him.
The bottom line is this:
I know what I want and what I am willing to tolerate. I know what I am capable of and what I'm not. He is unable or just unwilling to give me what I need and want out of a relationship, and I am getting too damn old to wait around to see if he can figure it out. So despite my love and adoration of this man, I have to say good bye to him.
My hope is that one day we will find happiness in our relationships with other people and then we can maintain a friendship without the possibility of sex.
Hope springs eternal!
See, I have a "friend" that I used to be interested in having a romantic relationship with. As a matter of fact, when we first met, we had many conversations about how wonderful we would be together. We share similar taste in music, movies and political views. We have great converstions and our sex life has become very satisfying. VERY. You may be asking what the problem is then.
Well, I have known him for a year (13 months + 1 day to be exact but who's counting) and a few things consistantly disturb me about him.
1. We have never had sex in a bed.
2. I have never seen the upstairs of his house. (What's he hiding?)
3. Everytime we have made plans to do something together (except for sex) he has stood me up or pulled a hoodini-style disappearing act for days on end.
4. He likes talking about marrying me, but can't seem to talk about dating me.
5. He NEVER does what he says he is going to do. (i.e. "I'll call you tomorrow" Tomorrow= 8-10 days later).
It's all very frustrating and I'm over getting my hopes up over nothing. He says one thing and conveys something altogether different. I have come to realize who and what he really is and it is very disappointing. I like him as a person. He is one of the coolest people that I have ever met and that's what makes all of this difficult. I understand his picky and analytical Virgo ways, but there is a fine line between picky and ridiculous.
I thought I could just maintain a sexual friendship with him, but I was deluding myself and lying to him.
The bottom line is this:
I know what I want and what I am willing to tolerate. I know what I am capable of and what I'm not. He is unable or just unwilling to give me what I need and want out of a relationship, and I am getting too damn old to wait around to see if he can figure it out. So despite my love and adoration of this man, I have to say good bye to him.
My hope is that one day we will find happiness in our relationships with other people and then we can maintain a friendship without the possibility of sex.
Hope springs eternal!
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