AHH Youth!

There are days when I miss my younger self. There are also days that I am surprised that my younger self lived to be this old and didn't get me killed. You know like when I used to go clubbing in NYC and thought it was a good idea to curl up in a corner and take a 20 minute nap. Someone could have really hurt me. Or habitually riding the subway from Brooklyn to Harlem at 1am (on a school night), if the bums didn't get me I just knew my mother would. Or like the time I invited numerous random people over to my apartment before I got to know them. They could have been anyone and done anything to me. The reason I bring all of this up today is one of the things that I am astonished I did. I guess astonished is a strong word... because people that know me personally are never astonished by my actions. But it surprises me sometimes when I look back on the risky stuff I pulled in my youth.

One Night Stands
There is nothing wrong with a one night stand or two during the course of a lifetime. And I even know a few people who have never had one (despite me trying to pimp them out!). But I took it to a risky level when a condom wasn't even thought. Looking back, I freak myself out! I would never pull a stunt like that now. But back then I was convinced that I was invincible. Like I had some sort of inner radar that would tell me I was about to lay down with some diseased Outbreak monkey and end up having a baby that would make the elephant man seem cute and cuddly! One night stands don't necessarily scare me now, but it's a completely different thought process and routine now. Then again, maybe they do scare me; I haven't had one in over a year.

Marriage
When I was 17 I was in love with what I thought was a great guy. I thought I would be in love with him forever. I envisioned us growing up and growing old together with out beautiful children. It turns out "forever" starts to look very different when the other half of the relationship tries to fuck 3 of your friends and other random chicks. Forever ended by the time I was 19 and met the next guy I thought I would spend my life with. Looking back, I know that I got engaged to protect myself. See, my fiancé was a good guy. He loved me, was good to me and wanted to be with me forever. It sounded like a good thing to me... Especially because I didn't love him.... Well, I wasn't in love with him. Finally after 1 1/2 of back & forth, he figured out that I was just going through the motions and went out to find my replacement. He cheated, but I can't say I really cared. When I found out, I was actually a little relieved. I realized that I missed the rush that love gave me & there was no way I could live without it just to protect myself from getting hurt again. But I can honestly say that for a while, I thought I would marry.

Children
Anyone who knows me very well will tell you that despite my self centered, shallow exterior, I do have a maternal streak. A big one. One afternoon with me & my goddaughter will prove that. Back in my younger years (around my marriage delusions) I wanted 3 children, maybe 4. I wrote their names down, planned where I would send them to school, envisioned their little smiles and voices and how their hugs would light up my life. I was crazy. As I got older, I figured, maybe just 2, a boy and a girl... Isn't that everyone's ideal? Now, well let's just say I love my godchildren and every minute I get to spend with them. And I really love it when I send them home. (Except one of them, she could live with me forever and we'd be ok). But the idea of childbirth isn't as lovely as it once was. I've seen it and it looks like it hurts. Not for me, no sir.

Alcohol
There are certain people and places that will never see me drunk unless I have a trusted friend sign a contract vowing never to leave my side! But when I first started drinking (no I wasn't 21!) I didn't care who was around or what they saw me do, or where I did it. I'd go to anyone's house party, get trashed and pass out wherever. I'd make out with random guys during the drinking process and not remember talking to them the next morning, let alone kissing them or flashing a boob. Now, I can flash my boobs while sober and not think a thing about it depending on the occasion. But I am very particular about where and whom I drink with.

Conversation
Despite my abrasive personality, I actually used to hold my tongue a little. This isn't particularly one of the things I miss about my youth, but other people do. Now I will pretty much say anything and not really give a fuck about how folks take it. And I have sarcasm down to an art form. To the point where my own mother made a comment about everything I say is dripping with sarcasm... Even when I'm being sincere. Apparently no one can tell either way now. Now that makes getting older fun!