LUST

Love... Won't say I never fell

But Lust I handle amazingly well!

"'Til death do us part" may never leave my lips

Yet you are welcome to a moment of joy between my hips

No, I don't handle Love very well

But Lust... Oh I give l Lust hell!

Some think I'm a slut and judge my sex life

So I'm either a whore or somebody's wife?

I've been in love... It was a disaster

So now hot Lust is all I'm after

No I don't do Love well, as many can tell

But I handle Lust amazingly well

Stringless fun is what I bring

Save your Love and keep your ring

So if fun is what you're after and not a lifetime of trust

Just bring me a smile and your hot, sexy Lust.

(married men need not apply)

Happy Birthday April!

Today is my "sister's" birthday. I have known April since she was 11 years old and we have been through a lot together. However in recent years we have drifted further and further apart. It is a common thing to lose touch with childhood friends, we've all done it. But I have to say that April is one of the few people I actually still think about and miss when I don't hear from her in a long time. Even my mom asks about her, and she could give a rat's ass about most of my friends! But she knows that to me, April will always be a part of my family. Mostly because we were both only children and I am very protective of the people I love. So once I decided that she was going to be my sister, that was it. So in honor of April's birthday, I feel the need to address some "friends" that I can or cannot live without.

Stacy~ One of the few childhood friends I couldn't imagine my life without. She has known me since I was 16 years old. If I even thought about discontinuing our friendship she would probably tell everyone where the bodies of past boyfriends are hidden! Just kidding... Sort of. She helped get me through my first love and the heartbreak that followed when I discovered that he was trying to lay damn near all of my friends. She knows more of my secrets then I care to acknowledge right now! She will forever be my best friend... I wrote that in her yearbook!

Kim~ I used to consider her my friend until she slept with the man I was in love with (who was also the best friend of her fiance at the time) while I fell asleep putting her daughter to bed. Then she lied about it for years. I would have forgiven her if she would have: a) not blatantly lied about it and b) been at all remorseful about what she had done. I've tried to put the whole thing behind me numerous times, but I have a hard time letting shit go. Her daughter recently called me then put her on the phone, and the only thing I could think was: why the fuck are you calling me all of a sudden? She's one of those people that is always in the midst of some personal crisis and needs to share the whole emotional story with you. I can live without the whole thing.
(Sidenote: I am still friends with the guy she humped though. He told me the truth, apologized and we have become much better friends than we had ever been).

G~ I met G through Stacy when she was 17 years old. She was shy but funny when you got to know her. We once accidentally shared a boyfriend. Let me explain. She lived in Brooklyn, I lived in NJ, and he lived in Manhattan. If it were any other 2 girls, he would have gotten away with the whole thing. But the world is a small place and God don't like ugly! Once Stacy realized that both of her friends were talking about the same boyfriend, we set up a sting. He suffered, and G and I bonded. Years later when I moved to VA Beach, I sent G a Christmas card in Brooklyn. Her mom asked her why someone in the same zip code as she is would sent her a card in Brooklyn. She tracked down Stacy, found out where my house was and got my phone number, and helped me get a job. She is probably the only person who knows both the pre-20's me and the woman I am today. This year she is getting married, and I am honored to say that she has asked me to sing at her wedding! My life wouldn't be complete without her.

Kimmy~ I love me some Kimmy aka Itty Bitty. What she lacks in height, she makes up for in attitude. I met Kimmy at one of the many jobs that I've had and absolutely fell in love with her smart ass personality. She is beautiful inside and out, but God help you if you ever get on her bad side. She helped me get through so much (this blog isn't big enough to go into it all) and I don't know what I would have done with out her. She has since moved to Buffalo and gotten married. But I will always miss my favorite shopping buddy!

Barb~ By far one of the few people who truly "get" me. I met Barb a couple of years after moving down here. We instantly clicked over music we love. She is smart, loyal and great to just hang out with. We are complete opposites in many ways but agree on so many things that it sometimes confuses folks around us. For years people have been trying to figure out how she can be my friend since she's so quiet and laid back, and I'm so abrasive and all over the place. It works for us, thank goodness. Because if she weren't around, I would probably be off doing something crazy that could get me killed. She thinks things through and I just act on impulse! One thing is true, if anyone messes with her, they will feel my wrath!

Honorable Mentions: These are people that I enjoy having in my life and am still in the process of building our friendships. Matthew, Cera, Buck, Jeff, and Chauncey. I didn't forget about ya'll. Much Love!

Paranoid Thoughts on a Caffeine-Free Day

1. The guy that I've fallen for hates me. He has secretly left town just to avoid running into me.
2. Oh my god, what if he's fallen down & hurt himself? Of course! That's why he hasn't called me back... I better go call 911.
3. Wait. What if the paramedic breaks the door down and catches him in an orgy with a midget, a dog, & a female wrestler?
4. That BASTARD!
5. OH... He doesn't have a dog. Whew.
6. Maybe I'm not the Queen of HPH (Hot Porn Head)!
7. Someone stole my coffee pot!
8. Why doesn't Starbucks stay open 24 hours? Maybe those frapaccinos are like cult kool-aid so they only sell then to customers & they actually drink decaf tea! I'm gonna die due to mocha.
9. This fat roll on my stomach is really a giant tumor... And once it's surgically removed, Halle Berry will have nothing on me!
10. Is Juan Valdez married? He is awfully close to that damn donkey... mmmm.

Myths & Stereotypes Exposed ~ Part 1

I, CaffeineDiva, am here to dispel a few myths today. I've been having a few conversations with folks, and have come to the conclusion that people are stupid. Ok, that's a bit harsh... but the ignorant things that fly out of people's mouths amaze me.

1. I am a chubby black chick that grew up in Harlem. I am over 30 and have no children, don't do drugs and can't stand the current state of hip-hop. I love Stevie Wonder, Prince, & am currently obsessed with System Of A Down.
2. As a United Nations dater, I now know one thing. Not all Black men have large dicks... but some white men do, not all white men dine on pudenda... but some black men do! Overall, I just like men, and that's okay!
3. I don't know how to cook collard greens, but I make really good matzo balls.
4. Yeah, I'm fat. But I'm not fucking Jolly! But I'm sexy.
5. Yes, my best friend is a lesbian. That does not make me one too. Of course I have entertained the idea of trying a woman, but that is usually when some guy has pissed me off or hurt me. Just being honest.
6. I am not AGAINST marriage. Marriage is a beautiful institution... I don't want to be institutionalized. Seriously, I think marriage is great when it works. If 2 people are in love, have a great relationship and stay together until they die, kudos, do your thing. I just don't feel the need to be legally bound to someone to express my love. And if you want to leave, peace and good luck to you.
7. I do not "talk like a white girl"!!! I am a verbal dynamo, black or white. I know how to articulate, it's not a big deal. Lots of people do it... on a daily bases. Not ALL black folks have a Master's in "Ebonics".
8. I like giving head. You go down, I go down, we all go down, it's fun!
9. I don't like watermelon.
10. The only sport I played in high school was volleyball! Not all black folks are good in sports, rap, deal drugs, or have an inability to keep a job. And white folks do not smell like wet dogs in the rain.

Go forth and educate folks!

Where's My Present?

I've been entertaining an idea off and on for the past 15 years that everyone (with the exception of one person) has thought was crazy or something I was kidding about... Marrying myself.
I know this may sound a bit drastic, but think about it from a financial point of view.

If you are single for any significant amount of time (ie. 30 + years old and NEVER been married) you have been subjected to all types of cruel, but not so unusual punishment. Your friends get married, you have to buy them a gift. And not just any gift... No, they have made it "easy" on you by registering at their favorite store and picking out what gifts they would like to receive. Same thing goes when they decide to have children. All of a sudden they need more gifts for the crumb snatcher that is about to enter the world! If they married well, they have a 2 income household... Budget, and buy your own stuff dammit. I am a single woman, working 2 jobs, I can't afford to buy presents for every loved one in my life that decides to have a lifestyle makeover. So where is my present?

I've been the babysitter for "date night" so folks can keep the spark in the relationship. I've cooked and baked for showers and surprise parties. I've been supportive of both straight and gay friends getting married and having children. Why is it that I have to wait until "Mr. Right" comes along to register at my favorite stores for the gifts that I want folks to buy me? Why is it that my friends don't throw a party for me celebrating my single life? What up with that? Well, I got tired of the bullshit and came up with the idea of my "Single Rededication Ceremony". Granted, it wasn't all because of the presents. After years of failed relationships, flimsy marriage proposals and the commitment issues that I have... I decided years ago that I would never get married. I came to terms with the idea, and have been good with it for a while now. However, like most other girls, I used to fantasize about the pretty dress, ring, and the great party after the ceremony where everyone is celebrating, well,... Me! I just never really got a clear picture of the groom.

Now I've heard all kinds of crap from people who have caught wind of my plans. They throw in birthdays; well everyone has a birthday. The same can be said for Christmas, Hanukkah, and every other holiday celebrated by the masses. Sure we all get presents for that.

But where is the party for the person who has decided to stay single? Every other life choice is congratulated and celebrated. Let's start congratulating those special people in our lives that chose not to add to the growing population of the world!

THE PROPOSAL: All of us single people (who intend or think they might be single forever and have made peace with it) need to unite and show that we too deserve a big party and presents. June is the big marriage month; let's make August "National Singles Appreciation Month". Ok, we can start out with one day... kinda like Mother's Day. I figured August would be a good month... No major holidays close, schools out, good vacation month. We start registering for gifts and telling our friends where to shop. And then we throw a big party and open our gifts in front of all our loved ones. I think it could work.

Come on single people! Chant with me... WHERE'S MY GIFT? WHERE'S MY GIFT?

Hey a girl can dream can't she?

Why Busta Why?

It's always sad when an artist you love does something horrible.

I have had love for Busta Rhymes since Leaders of the New School. His style captivated me, his energy impressed me and his mouth lead me to many fantasies about kissing him. It is a known fact that I have always wanted to pull a Me'Shell Ndegeocello and run my fingers through his dreadlocks. Now I am starting to question my love. Let me explain.
First, he hangs out with Pussycat Dolls. Ok, forgiven. Next, he cuts his locks off. Ok, a little drastic and a total fantasy killer but... Forgiven. Then the ultimate betrayal... He participates on a remix of "Laffy Taffy"! That is totally unacceptable of someone I use to think of as a real Hip Hop artist!!! WHAT THE FUCK! Why Busta...Why?
"Laffy Taffy" is the most ridiculous display of the downfall of Hip Hop that I've ever heard. Seriously, it's worse than that damn Kryptonite song! How can I possibly love him ever again. So from this point on, I will no longer wear my beloved Busta t-shirt and he is officially off my fantasy list.
Busta... call me when you've come to your senses.

What's been said about me

Since I'm just starting this little blog, maybe I should go into a few things about myself and some of the things that have been said about me.

I have a few addictions. Music, The Cheesecake Factory, the minds of men & women, and spending money on anyone I love. A few of these "addictions" have gotten me into some trouble in the past. You try being a diabetic addicted to the Cheesecake Factory! But I'm working on them, and hope to start making progress soon.

During the course of my time in the blogispere I'm sure that one things will become perfectly clear: I AM OUT OF MY DAMN MIND SOMETIMES! This is not to say that there isn't usually something logical behind my insanity, there is, but following the path my mind may be taking at any particular time may get a little dizzying for most. But more about that later.

I've been told that I am funny and posses a warped sense of humor. I agree with that. I've been called a crazy bitch. I do not agree with that. The problem is that I am sometimes a little too honest for ones liking, and that leads to name calling by those unable to handle the truth about themselves or effectively express their opposition to whatever it is I said about them.
I've been called the coolest chick ever. I can somewhat agree with that. Personally, I think my best friend is waaayyy cooler than I am. I have also been told that my name fits me perfectly. Well it should, it's hard to live down a name like Diva!
But you know what they say about opinions. And pretty soon, whomever reads this thing will form their own opinion of me.
But for the record, here are the facts:
I am in my 30's, single and have no children. I live in Virginia Beach but was born & raised in NYC. Biologically, I am an only child... But if I ever win the lottery, I'm buying a new family. (it can be done!) I have the unfortunate pleasure of working in a karaoke bar. It is both fun and horrible at the same time. Fun, because there is always someone entertaining to point and laugh at. Horrible, because some of the sounds that come from vocal chords cannot be classified as music. Some nights I go home with a terrible headache. Not to mention that I don't really like country music, and bad country music can always be heard at a karaoke bar! On my own, I am actually a pretty good singer. So it sometimes pains me when songs that I love are raped in such a public forum and I can do nothing about it!
I have a few people that I consider true friends, but most people recognize Barb as my best friend. Mostly because I tell everyone that she is. :) My oldest, closest friend is Stacy. These 2 women probably know me better than anyone else in existence.
I am honest, tactless, witty, abrasive and loving all at the same time. It's part of my charm.
Deal with it.