Blood Sucking Fuckers!

There are things in life that you know, no matter how long you live, will continue to piss you off. You hate them and don't care who knows it. The list is usually pretty average and can span from the mild or mundane, like lettuce... Or the extreme or unusual like: I hate every over the top excited person who ever jumped on a couch and butt-fucked a midget! Well, in light of the past weekend, I feel the need to vent about something that I have hated since my very first year at sleep away camp at the age of 6! No, it's not Uncle Crackhead, and it's not that emotionally unavailable asshole I was crazy about... At one point I actually liked them!
This is something way more annoying, evil and downright sinister... MOSQUITOES!
Yes folks... Mosquitoes.
Now I know that no one LIKES these little blood thirsty bitches, but my hatred of them is a little beyond the average persons annoyances. The itching get so severe on me that it can wake me from sleep for a scratch attack of biblical proportions. So in honor of those blood sucking fuckers, here is my newest list:

10 WORST PLACES TO HAVE MOSQUITO BITES!

10. The Neck. For some reason every time I see a person scratching their neck a lot, it reminds me of a bum I used to pass on the subway from time to time. He smelled terrible, scratched a lot, and used to scare the hell out of me.
9. Back of the Thighs. Picture it, you're sitting down in a public place and trying to coyly lift you leg and scratch... mmm yeah.
8. Your Back. A typical itching on your back is bad enough. It's wonderful when someone is nice enough to help you out. But if you ask them to scratch your back repeatedly, don't you think at some point they will get a bit wierded out and start to question if whatever is itching you is contagious?
7. Your Ass. Is it ever nice to see someone walking around scratching their ass? Especially if the bite occurs near the crack of your ass!
6. Your Ankles. Ever try to scratch your ankles while driving or better yet, while on a treadmill? Think about it.
5. Toes. Even worse then the ankles. Last week while at a red light I actually took my sneakers and socks off just to get some relief. I had to sit outside of the gym in my car having a scratch-fest before I could start my work out. Anyone who saw me probably thinks I have athletes foot now! And it hurts, not just itches. Plus my usually cute feet & toes looked strange with that one red, puffy toe.
4. Face. Anywhere on your face is terrible, especially if you happen to be a vain, narcissistic, snob like I am. I had one on my lip once, I was more dramatically devastated than Marcia Brady getting hit in the face with a football! But I have to say, the worse place on your face to get one is:
3. Eyelid! Yes, I've had one on my eyelid. I came back from camp one year looking like I had gone a few rounds with Tyson. It was awful.
2. Boobs! I currently have 4 mosquito bites on my right tit. Those are some freaky ass bugs! The worst one I ever had was right next to my nipple. I couldn't scratch it as hard as I wanted for fear that I would cause massive damage to my poor nipple.
and the #1 worst place to get a mosquito bite is...
1. NACHA... you know, it's nacha pudenda and it's nacha ass! That's right folks, a perineum bite!! Try reaching that one with all your clothes on discreetly at work! I wish I could say I was fucking in the woods so I may have deserved such a fate. But I wasn't. I just can't sleep with underwear on and one of those BSFs was feeling a little friendly! It's like it waited for the right moment, when I would roll over and kick the covers off then prop a leg up.

I hate bugs!