Quote of the Week

The Quote of the Week comes from conservative (Schmuck)commentator Tucker Carlson regarding Dick Cheney shooting his hunting buddy Harry Whittington.
Mr. Carlson countered Democratic commentator Paul Begala’s statement that the Vice President confirmed “preconceived notions” that Cheney & his boss, George W. Bush, “are trigger-happy and think they are above the law” with this inspiring statement:

“I don’t understand the fuss at all. He shot this guy in his private time on private property, and the guy hasn’t complained about it.” Wow.

He doesn't understand the fuss? Seriously? Hello, the Vice President SHOT someone! Accident or not, if a civilian American citizen accidentally shot another human being they would be in jail pending an investigation & probably a trial!
So by Tucker Carlson’s standards, as long as it’s on our private time on private property, we can go forth and “accidentally” shoot our friends as long as they don’t complain about. Good to know. Because as we all know, you can’t complain once you’re having a heart attack or dead!

The Villains of Valentine

My mother, sweet woman that she is, answered her phone this morning with a festive "Happy Valentine's Day". I responded, "happy VD mom". I know, not something one should say to the woman who gave them life. But I think my mom is starting to catch on that I am not the sweet child that she raised. I'm pretty sure that she has figured out that her only child is now a little hostile and bitter when it comes to romantic relationships. Bless her heart. However, on the flip side, she is also very understanding in some ways. This is afterall the same woman that works so much she doesn't bother to drive home some nights. I caught her this morning on the way home & she mentioned that she hadn't been home since Friday(!) and really hadn't even missed anything there besides her own shower. Yeah, I am my mother's daughter. I say this to explain part of my personality that has become a source of discussions lately. I don 't like excessively clingy men!
Usually I would go into my annual "Valentine's Day Sucks" rant. But I've done that every year since one of my friend's boyfriends felt me up when she left him alone with me! I've had ONE good Valentine in my whole life. It was beautiful & hopefully one year, before I die, I'll have another one. So for now I'll just complain about men I've dumped before V-day!

I hate to break up with guys. As a matter of fact, I usually don't break up with them. I just manipulate them into breaking up with me. Don't get me wrong, I don't do anything drastic like cheat on them with their father or engage in any other kind of Jerry Springer-like behavior. I simply change my body language and the way I speak to them. But the thing that I am most guilty of is just not calling them... Ever. Now I know this is cowardly behavior. And when guys do it, it usually pisses me off. But when it comes to breaking up, I am a big hypocrite.

Going through the motions
I had a boyfriend a few years back that I really liked. Well I thought I did. As it turned out, the thing I liked best about him was that he was crazy about me and treated me like I was his fantasy sprung to life. Unfortunately, crazy turned out to be a good description of our relationship. I can honestly say he is the only boyfriend I have ever physically tried to kill. He brought out every ugly trait in me I never knew I had! (does that make sense?) I broke up with him twice, only to take him back both times. Finally I had had enough of our chaotic union, I decided to force him to break up with me. It took about 2-3 weeks for my plan to work though. I got really boring. I mean REALLY uninterested... In everything! I basically just went through the motions with him. We'd walk hand in hand, but I wouldn't talk. I kiss him goodbye like a dutiful housewife and walk away. He'd meet me after our day and I would address him in a monotone. Finally I made him miserable and bored enough to dump me. The backfire came when I started dating someone else and he stalked us. But I found that this technique of getting guys to break up with me was quite effective!

I'm so busy
I briefly dated one guy I met through work one year. We didn't work in the same company, just the same building. He was very sweet, but clingy. At first it didn't bother me, it was actually kind of cute. He would call me in the morning before I got in the shower, hang up, then call me back because he missed my voice. AWWW. But that started to get annoying. One day I was running a little late and cut our phone call short by telling him that I was running late and on my way to shower but I would talk to him later. I got in the shower and the phone started ringing again. Thinking it was someone else, I answered it. It was him again. I asked what he needed, and he gave me that I just need to hear your voice again shit again & I hung up on him. He called back thinking I had accidentally dropped the phone. So I snapped at him that he was making me even later now and hung up again. After that incident he got even more clingy. He's come to my job, walk me to my car. Call every day 5 times a day. Leave messages. Some women like this behavior, but I don't. At least not after the first few months. So I had to end it. I stopped answering the phone and was always "too busy to talk" when he got me at work. After a month or so, he finally gave up on me. Whew!
Yep, I'm single for a reason.

Educate Yourselves!

It is Black History Month as we all know. So I am encouraging you all to visit http://poetrylove.blogspot.com/ and gain knowledge about someone other than MLK Jr. & Malcom X and the usual great Black Leaders that we all learned about in school as a part of the regular curriculum.

Happy reading and learning!

CaffeineDiva

Why Does Everybody Say That?

In my 30+ years of life I've heard a lot of things. Some rude, some funny, some accurate and some that have appeared to come out of left field. So here are a few things that I've heard numerous times throughout the course of my life.

1. You look just like...
Everywhere I've visited or lived inevitably someone has begun a sentence with these four words. They are sometimes substituted with... "You remind me of..."

2. You talk like a white girl
Since childhood I always manage to encounter some ignorant black person that thinks this is something acceptable to say. FUCK ALL YA'LL!

3. You're not right
This is usually said after some scathing comment has come out of my mouth about someone. It's usually followed up with:

4. Damn Diva, that's fucked up... Funny, but fucked up
So I'm not the nicest person in the world... Sue me.

5. Damn your tits are big!
Yes they are. What's your point?

6. You have such a pretty face
In other words... Damn you're fat!!

7. You're really tight
Do I really need to explain that statement?
Ok.. I've never had children & I work my kegals daily.

8. You're a sick child/puppy
This was said by my mother often. As I've gotten older, my sense of humor has become even more warped. I usually take this statement as a compliment.

9. I love your mouth
This usually comes from men.

10. Boy I'd love to meet your mother
Which is exactly why not too many folks do!

Just Die Already (Part 1)

Ok, I know that many will find my sentiments harsh. Downright heartless even. But hey, who gives a fuck, it's my blog not yours. So here is my rant about someone I'm sure the world would be just fine without. Hell, his demise might even make the world a better place to raise children in. Unfortunately I'm no longer a violent person, otherwise he would be handled by me personally.


Uncle Crackhead
My mother's brother is a complete waste of oxygen. Here's the deal: the reason I refer to him as Uncle Crackhead is because he had admitted to smoking crack in the past (he swears he's stopped). Anyway, after my grandmother died he disappeared off the face of the earth leaving my dear grandfather in a new city alone to deal with his grief. He abandoned his only child, and family for 13 years causing his poor father to worry for years. Basically we thought he was dead. I mourned the loss of the man that I used to adore and moved on with my life.
Now, he's back. After 13 years, the first thing he said to me is "you're still fat, you need to stop and lose weight". Not hello, how are you. Great.
Then a few months after that, he gets sick and we find out that he is HIV+. We prepared for his death. His daughter flew from New Mexico to Virginia to see her father and attempt to make peace with him before he died. That fucker lived! We nursed him back to health. He went back home, started working again and we thought all would be well. Then, he leaves his job and moves in with his father. This man is 49 years old living at home, not working, and mooching off of his 80 year old father! To make matters worse, recently he got a DWI and had to be bailed out of jail. His car (that his father bought for him) was impounded and his license taken away. Then he entered rehab for 21 days and is now back home awaiting his day in court. For all that is decent and good, just die already.
His daughter wants him dead. His sisters have already bought their black dresses to wear to his funeral. He has 2 grandchildren that don't know he exists. And he had the nerve to call me a bitch and say that I can't talk to him like some kind of nobody loser. Guess what. He is a nobody loser!


Closing thoughts
ANYONE that abandons, mistreats or neglects a child should be tortured within an inch of their lives then buried alive and left to die! Children are innocent little people. They need love & guidance. Nothing and no one should come before your children.


Coming soon, Part 2. I have another uncle I hate!

Don't Make Me Smack You!

Since entering my 30's I have tried my best to control my temper. I have effectively become that person who people say things about like: Oh, her bark is much worse than her bite. That may be true now, but sometimes I miss the younger me that would have gladly followed through on the many threats that spouted from my lips. But alas, I am way too cute to enter the confines of jail life. So I have utilized my verbal prowess and quick witt to not only defuse many situations that may have ended in violence, but also to administer a tongue lashing to various idiots that have resulted in them shedding tears and me smiling like a serial killer. However, in the last week or so, I have found myself thinking that all I need is space, opportunity and a lack of witnesses to carry out the ass beatings that are greatly deserved by a couple of stupid individuals.


Freaky Skank
As I have mentioned before, I work in a karaoke bar. I usually enjoy my job. After a while, you start to zone out on the people that you know are truly horrible singers. And some of them are just so terrible that it becomes slightly amusing to see what song they will be raping next.
There is a chick that comes in the bar named Kinky. Yes, that is what she calls herself... And with good reason. She enjoys hitting on me and offering to "show me a good time", and informing me of where all of her new piercings are. Now, I know that I have mentioned before that I love men. But if I where to ever switch teams, it wouldn't be with the likes of her! Janet Jackson, yes. Angelina Jolie, sure. Kink Crazy, hell no.
She has said things to me like "I would love to watch you suck my husbands dick". Not being a prude at all, I just laughed off the comment and said," I bet you would" or "You wish!".
Well, one night last weekend, it was particularly busy. Earlier in the night Kink decided to show me a picture that was saved in her cell phone. I was in the process of calling up the next singer and she shoves her phone in my face and says, "look at this". I look up and there is a picture of her vagina with its 3 new piercings. One word, EWWWW! I gave no outward emotion and continued to work despite this rude interruption.
See, Kink is an attention whore. She feels the need to talk to me while I'm talking on the microphone. It is highly annoying. Anyone who knows me can tell you that there is just so much irritation that I can take before I snap.
So, towards the end of the evening (around 12:30) I look down to find that I have about 45-50 people waiting to sing, 2 birthday parties, and a bar that has become standing room only. So I make like a teacher calling attendance and see who is in fact still in the bar and on the list of wanna be singers. While I'm making announcements and keeping the crowd under control, Kink decides to come up and talk to me. Very distracting! So I yelled at her to shut up off the mic, then continued on with my job. As she was walking away, I decided to give her the attention she was so desperately craving. On the mic, I introduced her to the entire bar, said she just wanted some attention and to ignore her.
It got a few laughs and the show went on.
Well, a few minutes later I noticed that Kink was talking to the owner. I knew it was about me because they kept looking in my direction. A while after that, the owner came over and said that Kink was offended!
OFFENDED!!??!! You have to be kidding me. This heifer has showed me her pudenda, interrupted me while speaking to a bar full of people (repeatedly), and is obnoxiously drunk, and SHE is offended? Give me a fucking break.
So I have decided that she is in need of a smack down.
How dare she complain to my boss when she is the one who is rude and disruptive!

Trouble Maker
There is a backup employee at the bar, we'll call her Cali. Bottom line, I just don't like her. She's annoying and has a grating voice that only dogs should hear. She is constantly in everyone else's business and has been spoken to about her behavior a few times.
Just when she earned one good point with me, in less than 2 days she thrust herself back onto my shit list.
See, the other night as I worked, there was a very drunk woman in the bar. Well she had begun to get a little worked up because I was enforcing one of the many rules the bar has in place for singing on the mic. So I made a general statement to the entire bar of what the rules where for karaoke and continued on. Well, the next time Chicky Chick got up to sing, she broke the same rule again, so I turned her mic down. She got upset and handed said mic back to me.
Later, she got pissed off while one of the other employees was singing and proceeded to complain to the waitress. The waitress explained the rule again and backed me up. She was still upset and went to complain to the bartender/manager on duty. He reiterated the rule and tried to calm her down. She continued to curse at the staff & complain about me.
Well, as she returned to her seat, Cali walks over to her and says "Don't mind Diva, she always a bitch like that."
EXCUSE ME!
#1 You don't know me well enough to call me a bitch!
#2 You are an employee and know the rules.
#3 Mind your fucking business.
Luckily, I didn't find out what was said until the end of the night after Cali had vacated the premises. This isn't the first time that little bitch has started trouble with me or other people. But it will most certainly be the last! I will make sure of it.
Space and opportunity people, space and opportunity.