A Letter To My Homie On Lockdown!

As some of you may know, I know a couple of folks on lockdown. Well one of them (on Work Release) sometimes gets to read my sad little blog and catch up on the craziness that is me. Being that I could not visit her last week and will also be detained this week, I have decided to post something just for her. However, if you would like to read and comment on it, that is just fine.

Hey Chick!
Ok, so since my visit this week has been rejected due to family strife and last week was due to lack of blackness :), I've decided to come to the library and email you.
You know I need to fill you in on things as they happen.

1. I just don't know how to feel about the whole HB thing anymore. I can't believe I've become the chick that I think is pathetic. And this is how it happened last year. I get fed up, end it, then he calls, we start talking again under the guise of friendship, then we start fucking because we think we can handle it. Then one/ both of us starts to get attached, then all the issues we have come back and one or both of us go crazy (usually me), I stalk, cry and sent hate mail, get fed up and the vicious cycle starts all over again. I cannot go through life with this man like this.
Part of me just wants to tell him that I am fucking someone else so he doesn't want me anymore. But we both know what a shitty liar I am and the thought of fucking someone new is freaking me out a little. The other part of me says that if I do that, I'll just prove him right that women cheat (he's paranoid b/c of past experiences). But I don't think it's fair to judge me on past hoes, and it wouldn’t even be cheating b/c we are not together! I have tried not to compare him (except in sex) to anyone else. Mostly b/c there is no one I could possibly compare him to (maybe NYM, but that's it). I had finally come to a point in my life when I was open to being in a committed relationship without breaking out in hives at the thought that I could lose some of my well cherished freedom. Then he comes along with more damn issues than I have and makes me love his wacky ass!! WHAT THE FUCK!
I miss him, it's true. And I would love to fuck him again, but at what expense? My self worth, esteem, sanity?
2. Mr. Cute = emotional security. Not in the way that he makes me feel more secure, but in the way that I know that I don't have to worry about what emotions he may feel for me b/c he's married and I am in no way trying to take him from his wife. He already knows this is a sex thing and nothing more. I want to borrow him, not keep his ass! I don't think it would be fair for me to get involved with someone who may want to have a relationship with me right now when my heart is with someone else and I am not sure if I can let him go forever or not. That's not fair to them or me. That's why Bry was a negative. Bry wanted to be my boyfriend and I couldn't handle that. He's a relationship type and I'm just looking for something to tide me over and keep me from going crazy over HB. That's why I may be breaking my married man rule for Mr. Cute.
3. Madison and I had a great time last night. She loved the movie and afterwards we had ice cream from McD's then stopped at Wal-Mart where I bought her a lip gloss she wanted. You should see her with her cornrows in the backseat bouncing and singing along: Lean with it, rock with it...Oh my goodness that was too much for me! I’m a little upset that she is listening to the trash on the radio that they like to refer to as hip hop. I may have to kidnap her, keep her in a room for 48 hours listening to nothing but Rakim, Big Daddy Kane, Tribe, Public Enemy and Queen Latifah’s first album. You know I’ll throw in Jay-Z, Busta, Biggie and Pac too; otherwise she wouldn’t be you & Ant’s child! But I that plan will have to be done when I stop working so damn much! Long Live Hip Hop!
4. I told them to take me off the schedule next month at WBs. I want to see if I can handle quitting for sure before I do it. I haven’t heard back from Chris, so I don’t know about the whole 5th job thing. But it will feel good for me to get sleep 2 nights in a row. The Jamaican is getting lazy for the summer.

So what’s up with you? Congrats on the raise you got. I want a raise too! Hopefully I can come see you next week… if I’m not under some man. I really wanted to bring HB with me to meet you, but I can never find him on Sundays, that motherfucker is truly “incognegro”! I know you want to meet him. It took Barb a damn year to run into his ass... and I wasn't even there! Oh well.

Well, gotta run. Hiho, hiho it's off to work I go. To sleep with men that I don't know Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho! Just kidding. I need a margarita! I'll be sure to have one for you too!
Peace, Love and Music!
Diva

PS... Mads knows my real name now. Ask her and she if she'll tell you! I told her that she has to call me Dia forever though because I like that she gave me a name just for her.
Love ya!