Don't Make Me Smack You!

Since entering my 30's I have tried my best to control my temper. I have effectively become that person who people say things about like: Oh, her bark is much worse than her bite. That may be true now, but sometimes I miss the younger me that would have gladly followed through on the many threats that spouted from my lips. But alas, I am way too cute to enter the confines of jail life. So I have utilized my verbal prowess and quick witt to not only defuse many situations that may have ended in violence, but also to administer a tongue lashing to various idiots that have resulted in them shedding tears and me smiling like a serial killer. However, in the last week or so, I have found myself thinking that all I need is space, opportunity and a lack of witnesses to carry out the ass beatings that are greatly deserved by a couple of stupid individuals.


Freaky Skank
As I have mentioned before, I work in a karaoke bar. I usually enjoy my job. After a while, you start to zone out on the people that you know are truly horrible singers. And some of them are just so terrible that it becomes slightly amusing to see what song they will be raping next.
There is a chick that comes in the bar named Kinky. Yes, that is what she calls herself... And with good reason. She enjoys hitting on me and offering to "show me a good time", and informing me of where all of her new piercings are. Now, I know that I have mentioned before that I love men. But if I where to ever switch teams, it wouldn't be with the likes of her! Janet Jackson, yes. Angelina Jolie, sure. Kink Crazy, hell no.
She has said things to me like "I would love to watch you suck my husbands dick". Not being a prude at all, I just laughed off the comment and said," I bet you would" or "You wish!".
Well, one night last weekend, it was particularly busy. Earlier in the night Kink decided to show me a picture that was saved in her cell phone. I was in the process of calling up the next singer and she shoves her phone in my face and says, "look at this". I look up and there is a picture of her vagina with its 3 new piercings. One word, EWWWW! I gave no outward emotion and continued to work despite this rude interruption.
See, Kink is an attention whore. She feels the need to talk to me while I'm talking on the microphone. It is highly annoying. Anyone who knows me can tell you that there is just so much irritation that I can take before I snap.
So, towards the end of the evening (around 12:30) I look down to find that I have about 45-50 people waiting to sing, 2 birthday parties, and a bar that has become standing room only. So I make like a teacher calling attendance and see who is in fact still in the bar and on the list of wanna be singers. While I'm making announcements and keeping the crowd under control, Kink decides to come up and talk to me. Very distracting! So I yelled at her to shut up off the mic, then continued on with my job. As she was walking away, I decided to give her the attention she was so desperately craving. On the mic, I introduced her to the entire bar, said she just wanted some attention and to ignore her.
It got a few laughs and the show went on.
Well, a few minutes later I noticed that Kink was talking to the owner. I knew it was about me because they kept looking in my direction. A while after that, the owner came over and said that Kink was offended!
OFFENDED!!??!! You have to be kidding me. This heifer has showed me her pudenda, interrupted me while speaking to a bar full of people (repeatedly), and is obnoxiously drunk, and SHE is offended? Give me a fucking break.
So I have decided that she is in need of a smack down.
How dare she complain to my boss when she is the one who is rude and disruptive!

Trouble Maker
There is a backup employee at the bar, we'll call her Cali. Bottom line, I just don't like her. She's annoying and has a grating voice that only dogs should hear. She is constantly in everyone else's business and has been spoken to about her behavior a few times.
Just when she earned one good point with me, in less than 2 days she thrust herself back onto my shit list.
See, the other night as I worked, there was a very drunk woman in the bar. Well she had begun to get a little worked up because I was enforcing one of the many rules the bar has in place for singing on the mic. So I made a general statement to the entire bar of what the rules where for karaoke and continued on. Well, the next time Chicky Chick got up to sing, she broke the same rule again, so I turned her mic down. She got upset and handed said mic back to me.
Later, she got pissed off while one of the other employees was singing and proceeded to complain to the waitress. The waitress explained the rule again and backed me up. She was still upset and went to complain to the bartender/manager on duty. He reiterated the rule and tried to calm her down. She continued to curse at the staff & complain about me.
Well, as she returned to her seat, Cali walks over to her and says "Don't mind Diva, she always a bitch like that."
EXCUSE ME!
#1 You don't know me well enough to call me a bitch!
#2 You are an employee and know the rules.
#3 Mind your fucking business.
Luckily, I didn't find out what was said until the end of the night after Cali had vacated the premises. This isn't the first time that little bitch has started trouble with me or other people. But it will most certainly be the last! I will make sure of it.
Space and opportunity people, space and opportunity.